The Colbert Report

Comedy Central

Stephen Colbert may be a staunch fake-conservative when it comes to some things...

But he's remaining open-minded when it comes to the upgraded Star Wars weaponry, glimpsed in all its glory for the first time last week in the teaser trailer for Star Wars Episode: The Force Awakens, or Episode VII of the billion-dollar-many-times-over franchise.

"Check out this awesome lightsaber," he praised the new model of the franchise's signature toy, er, weapon as it flashed to life for the first time in the teaser. "It's a lightsaber with two mini lightsabers on it. It's a ménage à sabres."

"Sadly," Colbert continued on last night's episode of The Colbert Report, his first show after a week off for the Thanksgiving holiday, "there are some stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking Nerf-herders out there who aren't thrilled with the new Jedi weapon."

Apparently the skeptics don't think that the new design would lend itself to proper defense and that an opponent with a traditional lightsabre could easily chop right through one of the little hilts on the side and "take off your hand."

"Well, I say it's a perfect design," Colbert insisted. "Here's how it works, I've done my analysis."

Watch here to get the full scientific rundown as to what makes it so perfect—and enjoy his story about going to see the first Star Wars film two weeks before anybody knew what George Lucas had wrought back in the 1970s. All is worth your while, whether you give a flying Millennium Falcon about Star Wars or not.

We and our partners use cookies on this site to improve our service, perform analytics, personalize advertising, measure advertising performance, and remember website preferences. By using the site, you consent to these cookies. For more information on cookies including how to manage your consent visit our Cookie Policy.