LifetimeThings are really getting dramatic on True Tori.
We're kidding, of course, because things are always dramatic on True Tori. Tonight, we learned that Tori Spelling is a "collector," which is also just a fancy word for hoarder, and watched Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott go back and forth over the issue of whether they wanted more children.
In the spirit of something or other, we've collected a few actual quotes that sum up the drama.
— "What I'm paying on storage is seriously a mortgage."
Tori has not only a room in her house filled with junk, but she is paying for 127 storage vaults, each of which are also filled with junk. This junk is kept track of in a document that is more than 440 pages long. Now, if you'll excuse us, we'll be throwing out everything we've ever owned.
— "This fireplace mantle is my dream."
"But what about this other one?" her friend replied. Yes, Tori had not one, but two fireplace mantles in her junk "collection," and we find that we are lacking even one fireplace mantle. We are failures.
— "The trust is gone, that chunk's not gone."
Dean was concerned that a "chunk" of his and Tori's bond involved their desire to have children together, which would go away if he got a vasectomy, despite the fact that they already have four adorable children. Tori promised him, however, that the "chunk" was not the thing that was gone.
— "I know your dad wouldn't have wanted this, sweetheart, but he's not here."
Dean said this — in an attempt to be comforting after Tori realized her stuff was representative of all the stuff she got without her dad — with a lizard sitting on his shoulder. If you're confused about that last part, there was literally a lizard sitting on his shoulder. That's all.
— "I don't want to be like Spencer Pratt."
Dean played with a teddy bear and considered whether it's going "too far" to get a vasectomy on camera and uttered one of the most universal statements known to man.
— "Vasectomy or no vasectomy, you're the love of my life."
This little pronouncement from Dean came after he said he didn't want a vasectomy, and Tori did, and then Tori didn't, and then neither of them did, and they cried, and they ended up going with "no vasectomy" in order to save their marriage, somehow.
— "If I wasn't being filmed, what if there would be nothing?"
Whoa, things just got very real over on True Tori. Tori explained that having cameras follow her around is all she has ever known, and she doesn't know who she is or what she has without that element in her life. We would shed a tear, if we had any left after that emotional roller coaster of an episode.
Seriously, we're still trying to get over the 127 vaults full of stuff. 127! The guys from Storage Wars would have a field day, if all the vaults weren't just filled with weird chair cushions, things from Tori's ex-husband, and fireplace mantles. Speaking of which, where do we get one of those?