7 Reasons You Should Never, Ever Cross Martha Stewart (Pay Attention, Gwyneth Paltrow!)

This woman has been to prison and she could dispose of your body in the most efficient way possible

By Jenna Mullins Oct 13, 2014 10:15 PMTags
Martha StewartJoe Scarnici/Getty Images for Haute Living

We guess we should have warned the world sooner, because maybe then Gwyneth Paltrow wouldn't be in this feud. The basic lesson is this:

Never, ever cross Martha Stewart. Just don't.


1. Her shade-throwing is on a different level.

Martha Stewart Living

Martha used a recipe for pie in an issue of Martha Stewart Living to diss Gwyneth! What?! It's so subtle that it's actually in your face, and it's so blatant that it's possible you could miss it altogether. She's the sass master, that Martha. And she doesn't care who you are! Blake Lively? Taylor Schilling? A Real Housewife? The guy who makes her coffee at Starbucks? She will hate you even if she's never met you and/or doesn't know you.

2. She's been to prison. Prison.

It's basically a general rule that once someone's been in the clink, you should probably not piss them off. And prison changed her, you guys. On Watch What Happens Live, she alluded to using drugs and having threesomes while she was in there. So, yeah, she's a bossass bitch now.

3. She does not give one single f--k.

Have you seen her Twitter? Or the photos of her meals that she posts on social media? It's so clear that Martha does not give even the slightest of f--ks about anyone or anything, because she will tell you so herself. A woman like that should never be double-crossed. 

4. She could almost definitely hide the fact that she injured or murdered you.

The queen of cleanup tips could make it so any crime she committed never happened. Sorry, bro. The police will never find your body because she disposed of it perfectly and in a seasonally appropriate way. "It's autumn, so I'm covering the rotting corpse with leaves in vibrant shades of orange and red, and gourds work perfectly as makeshift tombstones."

5. She had a skull as part of her set décor on The Martha Stewart Show.

When she had her own show, Martha displayed the skull of a human head on a scale in the background. But the episode wasn't even Halloween-themed. Why was it there?!

6. She can make your life a living hell, even if you are a blood relative.

Martha's daughter said this about her mother: "If I didn't do something perfectly, I had to do it again...I grew up with a glue gun pointed at my head." Does that sound like someone you want to be in a feud with? Nope. And there was that little anecdote in Martha Stewart: A Biography that she once stabbed her brother with a pencil...

7. No one ever sees her coming.

She's Martha Stewart, so you'd think that she's just a sweet lady who is going to knit you some pot holders when you move next door to her. She'll probably do that…before she jabs you in the jugular with those knitting needles because you called the crust on her homemade apple pie "too flaky for your tastes." Watch yourself.

By the way, we are clearly Team Martha (we're afraid to be anything but Team Martha), and so is basically everyone on Twitter:

Did you hear us, Martha? We are Team YOU. 

Please don't hurt us.