By: Julie, Boston
A.B. Replies: To be fair, in Hollywood--just like the rest of America--most babies are born to married celebrities. But according to a rough, unscientific study run by my crack team of harried researchers, celebrities do produce more out-of-wedlock children per capita than the general, unfamous population. Since when? Since forever.
Why? Well, whip out your Bunsen burners and strap on your noxious-gas protection masks, because here comes an A-list chemistry lesson so foul it will make you gag, if not bleed from your unfamous eye sockets.
First, take a couple so beautiful as to be scarcely human, if not balls-out immortal. Add a whole bunch of fame and money, plus at least three paid sycophants who do nothing but rub their little raccoon paws together and chitter about how their eminent masters can do no wrong. Add several deciliters of rarified ego. Finally, send the two celebrities off to have sex at the supersecret VIP suite at L'Ermitage.
Think a couple like this is worried about mortal concerns like condoms or pills? Please! Zeus and Hera are having sex here. This is history making, Imax-worthy coupling, at least in the minds of the couple, not to mention Us Weekly and Pat O'Brien. Such Olympus-shattering copulation cannot be sullied by mundane thoughts of latex.
Besides, celebrity pregnancies don't really need to be prevented, because they have no downsides. None. Instead, an actress' media coverage soars as Us goes on baby-bump watch. (Those pink and purple arrows are a fame-hungry star's best friend.) Then the star gets her C-section, sells the family photos to People for six figures and hands off the baby to a squadron of three nannies, who squire the tot around in a $5,000 British-made buggy that mom got for free.
As for the numbers, according to the Centers for Disease Control, a good 35 percent of American kids are born out of wedlock. Now, let's look at some stats in Hollywood.
Gwen Stefani, Jack Black, Adam Carolla, Matt Damon, Britney Spears, Mariska Hargitay, Greg Kinnear, Woody Harrelson, Elisabeth Shue,Lauren Sanchez, Brooke Shields, Rachel Weisz and Heidi Klum all recently had kids within the sacred bonds of matrimony.
Meanwhile, Angelina, Katie Holmes and Rod Stewart have all spawned children under, as the Bible strokers would call it, the black banner of Satan. And given the recent reports about Anna Nicole Smith and Tobey Maguire's fiancée, Jennifer Meyer, that legion of Beelzebub continues to grow unchecked.
That equals 13 kids within marriage, 5 without. I could survey Hollywood in greater detail, but we here at E! don't really care about anyone else. So, to conclude, a ratio of 13:5 equals a 38 percent rate of children born out of wedlock, making Hollywood an official bin of sin compared with the American heartland.
Well, at least most of those Hollywood babies are cute.
Unless you count Apple and Moses.
(And I'm not.)