The SAG awards are offering bleacher seats via eBay charity auctions. So, for those of us dying to jostle for a position in the bleachers overlooking the arrival carpet for say, the Oscars or the Globes, are there ways it can be done? How many 'people' do you need to know, or bribe, just to get a bleacher seat?

By: E.B., Portland

A.B. Replies: For the Oscars, you would need to bribe a forger. A very, very good one. One with psychic powers.

As this B!tch hacks away on her rhinestone-studded keyboard of dreams, 300 totally unconnected, ridiculously unimportant people, all scattered throughout this good nation, are sipping their Alizé and celebrating. Celebrating their victory in last September's Academy-run online drawing for Oscar bleacher seats. By now, the candidates have all passed their subsequent background checks. All they have to do is show up at the Kodak Theatre on Mar. 5 with their khakis properly creased.

Upon arriving at their American Mecca, each winner will produce the Hollywood version of the Golden Ticket: an official confirmation letter from the Oscar people. The letter states that, no, the bearer may not be Nicole Kidman, but go ahead and let this loser approach the Kodak anyway. More importantly, the winners will also have picture ID proving that they are the same unbelievably lucky worker bees who won the big drawing.

Without that photo ID, no unfamous or uncredentialed person gets near the Kodak on Oscar night. Nobody. As the Manila Bulletin of the Philippines so gravely put it in September, "Those attempting to wait outside overnight for admittance will not be permitted to do so."

What happens after the winners flash their IDs? Whelp, they get to park their fortunate buttocks on a nice hard piece of aluminum set aside just for them and wonder, as the famous people trickle past them for the next several hours, why God chose to smile on them in particular.

The people at the Golden Globes use a different system. Simply scrape up at least $1,800 worth of spare change from your couch--well, in Bel Air it isn't a thang--and buy yourself one of several Globes-weekend packages at the Beverly Hilton. Each year, the Hilton, which hosts the event, sells out of these packages, all of which include bleacher seats overlooking the red carpet. Only about 200 people are lucky enough to buy these seats in time, and, according to a spokeswoman I called, it's strictly first come, first served.

One of the newer Globes packages even includes a viewing party hosted in a nearby event room. While gawping at the true size of Julia Roberts' chompers on closed-circuit TV, guests may eat the same meal being served in the International Ballroom on the big night. So, while Halle Berry is picking at her crisp green papaya and Asian pear salad with Indo-China-spiced jumbo shrimp, you can, too!

Other perks included in the package, which runs as high as $2,599 for the weekend, are lunch in the bleachers and a commemorative scrapbook, just in case Harrison Ford suddenly grows a personality and decides to sign something on his way into the hotel.

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