Ida Mae Astute/ABC
by Lauren Piester | Mon., Sep. 15, 2014 8:28 PM
Ida Mae Astute/ABC
Live television is always a bit of a gamble, and tonight's Dancing with the Stars premiere was no exception. Almost every post-dance interview included one slip-up after another, from judges getting pro names wrong to stars talking about their wedgies to other judges making slightly inappropriate comments to teenage girls.
It was a mild trainwreck and we loved every second of it, while also knowing that we'd be just as much of a disaster if someone put us in front of a camera and millions of people.
We feel that it's a bit early to truly judge the dancing (read: we have no idea how to judge dancing), so instead we're judging the contestants (and judges) on something we know we're experts in: awkwardness! So, we've ranked the contestants on the smooth sailing, or lack thereof, of their appearance in tonight's premiere, because why not?
13. Aaron Samuels (aka Jonathan Bennett)
So who's got a newly reignited Mean Girls crush? He cried in the pre-tape after telling a sweet story about his father, and then his incredible dance earned him and partner Allison Holker a standing ovation. Of course, new (and sassy) judge Julianne Hough had to throw out a Mean Girls reference, but we absolutely don't blame her. (We would have gone even further than "grool.") Perfection.
12. Alfonso Ribeiro
Carlton's got moves, and they aren't all just the ones named after him! Len Goodman called the performance the best dance of the night, and then Alfonso did a weird, Carlton-ish scream when re-enacting his reaction while watching all of the other dancers. Otherwise, he and partner Witney Carson ended the night on a great note.
11. Lea Thompson
Lea is adorable, but if she hadn't kept talking about how she looked like a cougar, no one would have been thinking it. She looks great, and she's clearly a talented dancer, and she didn't need to excuse her age for any reason. You rock that 53, girl!
10. Bethany Mota
The YouTuber is clearly a pretty good dancer, but we were mildly distracted by our own dance party to "Shake it Off," and Erin Andrews was distracted by Derek Hough taking off his jacket while also seemingly trying to figure out how one can be a star of YouTube (she referred to Bethany's fans as "her people").
9. Antonio Sabato Jr.
We're really supposed to believe this man doesn't know how to use his hips and doesn't understand what it means to be a sex symbol? With those arms? We don't believe you for a second, Sabato. We do, however, believe he's not that great at dancing, and the judges clearly agree, since they mostly just commented on his dimples and other body features. Bruno Tonioli made some comment about balls, but what's new?
8. Tavis Smiley
Who's surprised that the professional interviewer couldn't have been smoother? Unfortunately, he then tried to use a quote that relied on homophones to be clever, and homophones don't quite work when you can't see the words. It took Erin Andrews a minute to distinguish "sum" and "some," and then there was a joke about dim-sum, and it just got out of control.
7. Randy Couture
It was a beautiful dance and everything was fine until Julianne said that Randy was making her randy, and then Bruno said that Julianne was "practically lactating." She asked if he was calling her a cow, and is this a real, live, unscripted show?
If we were to design a dance based around Betsey Johnson's clothing, that is exactly the dance we would have choreographed, including the part where she tripped over a pile of boas and then did one of her signature cartwheels. Then, pro Tony had to correct Tom Bergeron when he tried to send them off the stage, and it was just a great big brightly-colored mess.
Partner Mark Ballas referred to her as "cute as a button," and she really was. The judges raved about her, even if Julianne might have called her "Sadie Robinson," and then told the 17 year-old she needed to get more "down and dirty." Then, we learned that Sadie's father, Duck Dynasty star Willie Robertson, has to approve all of her outfits – every teenager's dream.
4. Tommy Chong
Marijuana references, Cheech in a car, the song "Drop it Like it's Hot," and Chong having no idea what was going on in the interview with Erin. He referred to partner Peta Murgatroyd has his "master," and went on about how he's great at doing whatever beautiful women ask him to do. We couldn't have asked for anything more.
3. Janel Parrish
We got some serious Ariana Grande vibes from those white gogo boots, but the dance was pretty great. Then, we learned that partner Val Chmerkovskiy compared her to his grandma, right after Janel had her hands all over his abs. The judges and Erin Andrews ran with it, and poor Janel gets to start off the season having inspired the potential hashtag "Grandma Swag."
2. Michael Waltrip
In the pre-taped package, the NASCAR driver and his partner, Emma Slater, discussed their butts. She agreed that he had a nice butt for an "old guy," and he told her that she had an ass like "a pair of cats wrasslin' to get out of a plastic bag," which doesn't actually sound like a compliment. Their NASCAR-themed dance was whatever, but then Michael started waxing poetic about his wedgie and the night of wacky insanity continued.
1. Lolo Jones
The dance was not great, and Lolo came right out and said it was horrible, giving excuses while also saying she didn't want to give excuses. This prompted Bruno to make a Frozen reference (when will those stop?). Plus, Carrie Ann had a total Adele Dazeem moment and completely screwed up pro Keo Motsepe's name. Her excuse was that she's "Asian," and sounds things out phonetically. Totally awkward.
So what did you think of the premiere? Do you agree with Len that Alfonso gave the best performance? Sound off in the comments!
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