ABCEven though we've barely recovered from the serious drama of last week's Bachelorette finale, the next installment of Bachelor Nation is already here, and we sort of love it. It may be the guiltiest of guilty pleasures, but hey, it's still summer, and we have no shame.
So how does the show work? A group of former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants all live in a giant house in Mexico, and try to fall in love with each other. This week, a girl will go home. Next week, a guy will go home. Eliminations are based on who is not part of a couple at the end of each week. Basically, it's like the extreme nightmare version of high school prom season, except going stag (even as part of your hardcore teenage rebellion) is not an option.
After watching tonight's two-hour premiere, we already feel like we are now total experts on TV love, and we've compiled this handy-dandy list of everything we've learned so far.
1. You're not gonna fall in love with the guy another girl has already claimed. It doesn't matter if the girl has only known the guy for 24 hours (Ahem, AshLee!). If she's seen him on TV and follows him on social media, he is hers and you have no business inviting him to hang out in ruins with you. That's just rude, and love is never rude.
2. Relatedly, tears = love. When Clare asked Graham on a date, AshLee lost her mind. She had only known him in real life for a day, but who cries that hard over a man they're not deeply in love with? Graham even later gave her his rose, and it was probably not out of fear. They're clearly meant to be.
3. "The coconut doesn't fall far from the crazy tree." This little bit of wisdom comes from Marquel, in reference to the slightly nutty (and possibly not single?) Michelle K. deciding to take off before the rose ceremony even started. It would be good dating advice in general, probably, if it actually made any sense. (Who/where is the tree in this situation? Or is Michelle the tree? Then who is the coconut?)
4. Falling in love is best in the ocean at night, because it's dark, meaning the sharks and electric eels cannot see and therefore eat you. Creepy underground water caves are also good for falling in love. And are good for metaphors about falling in love, too.
5. Is your date wearing too many clothes? Introduce a few thousand fire ants into the mix and that shirt will be gone in no time. There is no room for clothing in true love.
6. Did somebody else give a rose to the potential love of your life? Prepare a back up! You can never have too many potential candidates for true love. Always make sure to have your second pick ready just in case a dreamboat like Marcus swoops in and steals your dreams away from you. It's OK, Robert – Clare seems way cooler than Lacy anyway.
7. Sometimes love is just not in the cards. Poor Daniella. She could tell she wasn't making an impact on the guys (just like she didn't really make an impact on her Bachelor season) and since it was their choice this week, she was the only girl left without a rose after Michelle K.'s super awkward exit.
We're fairly certain that by the end of this season, there will be positively nothing about TV love that we won't know, especially since, as you can tell, we already know a lot about it.
Really though, all jokes aside, we're invested in this show already and can't wait for next week.
So what did you think? Who are you already rooting for? Who are you already feeling kind of meh about? Let us know in the comments!
PHOTOS: Did you know these Bachelor and Bachelorette hookups happened off the show?