by Elizabeth Freda | Wed., Jul. 30, 2014 10:35 AM
Let's all venture back to a simpler time, when courting a woman was still something that happened and the only people who owned cell phones were probably astronauts. Many great things came from such a time: Learning how to actually use an encyclopedia, how to look up your friend's phone number in the Yellow Pages, how to actually speak on the telephone like a normal human being, etc.
And we still accidentally use some of the iconic phrases of that time, even though they make absolutely no sense anymore. Here are 10 examples:
1. "Be Kind, Please Rewind"
Where you'd hear it: Your local Blockbuster employee scolding you for returning your VHS without rolling the tape back to the beginning.
Why it's useless now: Because, sadly, we do not use VHS tapes any more. Instead, we have DVDs that don't let you fast forward through previews and sometimes don't work at all, because you've scratched the living s--t out of it. Still, we use the term "rewind," but its literal meaning is lost. (Also, Blockbuster is dead and gone.)
2. "Beep me."
Where you'd hear it: At work, when someone would request you page them later.
Why it's useless now: When was the last time you saw a pager on someone who wasn't a doctor or cocaine dealer? R.I.P., pagers. Your life was short but meaningful. Now, we have classic phone calls. Just kidding, no one makes those any more because we have text messaging!!!
3. "Call Collect."
Where you'd hear it: FROM PRISON.
Why it's useless now: Because no one wants to accept the charges you're bestowing upon them. And because we can all just call each other directly now. Or send a Twitter DM. Or post to Facebook. Or swipe right on Tinder. Or have a Snapchat convo. Or send a messenger owl.
4. "I'm getting these photos developed."
Where you'd hear it: In line at the One Hour Photo.
Why it's useless now: Sadly, very few people use film cameras anymore (unless you're a G.D. hipster who loves disposables and darkrooms). Film has been replaced by the front-facing iPhone camera, because we're obsessed with selfies. Sure, you can get the pictures printed, but no one gets pictures "developed" anymore.
5. "Check the classifieds."
Where you'd hear it: Sitting at a table with your annoying mother, who is begging you to check the newspaper to find yourself a summer job.
Why it's useless now: Everything is online now, including the job hunt. The classifieds are only used by people like the Craigslist Killer or someone who wants to crack a joke inside a little bit of ad space. We don't trust the classifieds and we definitely won't be meeting up with anyone from the classifieds to find a job any time soon.
6. "I'll call the travel agent."
Where you'd hear this: From dad, who's trying (and failing) to book the family vacation to Disney.
Why it's useless now: Travel agents are irrelevant, straight up. Now, you can book everything online yourself. Plus, are you really going to trust a travel agent? They do not have a great track record.
7. "Ask for directions."
Where you'd hear it: On a road trip from your demanding boyfriend, who refuses to buy a map.
Why it's useless now: Maps now exist solely on tiny little screens, whether it's your (also semi-irrelevant) Garmin device or your iPhone. Why would anyone elect to search blindly through a map or ask a stranger for directions, when you can have turn-by-turn directions courtesy of Google Maps? Authenticity, schmauthenticity.
8. "Use the landline."
Where you'd hear it: Your eighth-grade crush, giving you the only number he can possibly be reached at...His terrifyingly intimidating home number.
Why it's useless now: Everyone has a cell phone. A lot of people don't even have home phones anymore, because they always have their cell phones as close to their body as humanly possible. Sometimes dangerously close. (On the brightside: Now you don't have to worry about when you are and are not allowed to hog the landline to use AOL.)
9. "Call 411."
Where you'd hear it: Your mom demanding to find the closest McDonald's location because she needs a Diet Coke.
Why it's useless now: Seriously, mom? Just Google "McDonalds near me" and you're golden. We will not be at your beck and call forever. You've got to figure this out some day.
10. "Check the phonebook."
Where you'd hear it: You're hunting for your crush's phone number, because you want to call and see if he/she wants to "go steady."
Why it's useless now: Phone books might not be all that irrelevant and could actually be kind of fun and handy. If you are dedicated enough to flip through those Yellow Pages and hunt for a last name printed in size 6 font. Same thing goes for Encarta—use Wikipedia, babe.
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