by John Boone | Thu., Jul. 10, 2014 1:51 PM
Sure, there are benefits to being on Facebook. How else would you stalk that mean girl from high school and find out that she's unemployed and fat now and you're WINNING? But maybe it's time we hit delete.
1. Because You'll Never Receive a Facebook Invite Ever Again.
And isn't that the dream? You absolutely do not need Facebook invitations in your life for two reasons: 1) It's probably for an event you don't care about from a person you don't even know anymore. Actually, it's probably from that college friend who still invites you to $2 Pitcher Night at the bar they still work at even though you live in a different state now. 2) If it is an event you do care about (a friend's birthday, a baby shower, a wedding? Do people send Facebook invites for weddings?) that person will invite you IRL. And if you aren't able to go—or, in the end, don't want to—you won't have to RSVP "Maybe" to make them feel better. Everyone knows "Maybe" means no.
2. Because You Don't Need to Wish Everyone a Happy Birthday.
If you want to remember someone's birthday, you will. (Pro tip: Before you delete Facebook, go through your "Friends" and save birthdays of people that matter in your iCal.) But you shouldn't feel pressured into writing on the wall of someone you went to middle school with just because Facebook tells you to.
3. And You Don't Need Everyone to Wish You a Happy Birthday.
Likewise, do you really need your friend's aunt wishing you a "HBD"?
4. Because You Don't Need to Hear That Everyone Is Pregnant or Married.
And not just because you're single and lonely and crying into your Snuggie on a Friday night. But because you should hear the exciting news from that person (again, if it's someone you care about in the first place), not through a third-person congratulatory status update.
5. And You Definitely Don't Need to Experience Other Couples' Love in Public.
Ever read a couple's wall post and suddenly felt like you were having a threesome? It's gross.
6. Because You Don't Need a Constant Reminder That You're Friends With Republicans.
We kid, we kid. The opposite works too. They say you're not supposed to discuss politics and religion in polite conversation. But you should talk about them. It's important to share your beliefs. That said, there is NOTHING more infuriating than having a handful of VERY LOUD people in your feed who post their ignorant, uneducated, just plain stupid views constantly. At least IMHO.
7. Because Do You Really Care What Type of Pizza Your Friend Is?
Or how much they know about sex? Or what their favorite cartoon as a childhood says about them? Or any number of a billion other quizzes that are easily shared on Facebook and clog up your feed.
8. Because No One Plays Farmville Anymore.
Except your aunt. And you already hid her Farmville updates from your feed.
9. So Your Exes Will Stop Stalking You.
Creepy is all fun and games until you're the one being crept upon. Do you really want your ex-BF knowing everything about your life without him? That doesn't sound healthy. Do you want to have to impress your ex-GF with how much better your life is without her? Sure, you could unfriend them, but then you're "rude."
10. And Because You Don't Need to Stalk Your Exes.
The past is the past. The present is a gift. Let it go.
11. So Your Mom Won't Comment on Everything You Do.
And you won't have to worry about what your friends might post about you on Facebook. Or what pictures you might get tagged in. If you are curating your life so that your poor mother doesn't see anything even remotely scandalous, wouldn't it just be easier to delete it all?
12. To Keep Some of Your Personal Life, You Know, Personal.
You don't need to share everything. Everyone claims to love Facebook because it helps them keep in touch with old friends, or share pictures of the family easily, or to announce big news. You can do that. Off Facebook. Because only 5 percent of your 895 "Friends" actually need to know. Send an email. Make a phone call. Write a letter. Video chat. Text. Connect.
13. And to Abolish the Stigma of Untagging.
OK, you KNEW I looked horrible in that picture and you still posted it anyway, so I should not be made to feel bad for untagging myself! I'M THE VICTIM HERE. BURN FACEBOOK TO THE GROUND.
(Bonus: So you'll never have to see one of these eCards again!)
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