by Jenna Mullins | Wed., May. 7, 2014 11:15 AM
Dear Zac Efron,
You are pretty much everyone's man crush right now, thanks in huge part to your promotion of your new film Neighbors. You're either not wearing a shirt or you're doing something that's supposed to look ridiculous but you somehow make it sexy. Everyone has a thing for you right now.
But then you went ahead and donned drag for The Tonight Show skit "Ew!" You put on a wig, wore a dress and became a woman. And you know what?
You were really pretty. Like so pretty you made us feel inadequate. You made a prettier girl than most, and it's infuriating.
You are obviously allowed to be an incredibly hot man, or as Seth Rogen says in the movie: "something a gay guy designed in a laboratory." But then you comes down the stairs in the skit and we realized that you are as hot a chick as you are a dude.
So not only do we have to deal with the fact that you are an unattainable specimen, but we also have to be jealous of your beauty?
Screw you, Zac! You can't have it both ways. Jerk.
Look at those cheekbones! Those lips! That complexion! Those long lashes! What products are you using?! Where can we get them? Straight girls are now calling you their WCW, or Women Crush Wednesday. Apparently that's a thing and you are not only their regular crush on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday, but you are their female crush on Wednesday! You just took over every day of the week!
Oh, now here you're showing your dirty side with the whole finger-in-the-mouth thing. It's a move that's just slutty enough so people think you might be a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. And that lady in the street is prettier than everyone else!
Have you thought about wearing drag all the time and going after female roles? You could get the parts that you have been getting, and you can star as the quirky woman in a romantic comedy that has no time for love until a man comes into her life to show her what she's been missing. That man could be you! You could play both characters! That's how convincing you are as a beautiful actress!
And hey, if there ever is a High School Musical reunion, you could play Troy and Gabriella. Because now that we think about it, you kind of look like Vanessa Hudgens in High School Musical 2...
Even your eyebrow game is on point. And you have those big blues eyes that don't even need eyeliner or some complicated shading to really pop. Do you know how hard it is to have eyes that "pop", Zac?! No, you don't. Because your face is so beautiful that Victoria's Secret is probably going to hire you tomorrow to be their newest supermodel because Gisele Bündchen looks gross compared to you.
You have two options here, Zac. You can never wear drag again because you're making us all look bad. We write about celebrities every day, so it's bad enough to stare at the likes of Jennifer Lawrence and Kerry Washington without you waving your hot girl-ness in our faces.
You can just lean into the fact that you are a beautiful man and a beautiful woman and start taking over Hollywood. The choice is up to you.
Just don't stop taking off your shirt.
Yours in jealousy,
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