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by John Boone | Wed., Apr. 23, 2014 2:27 PM
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(WARNING: The below content features many obscenities and other insanities. Bow out now if you are easily offended by sorority girls gone
wild off the deep end.)
We keep getting older and older and sorority girls stay the same...amount of angry.
First, there was the O.G. crazy sorority girl Rebecca "DOUBLE F--KING NEWSFLASH" Martinson, whose expletive-filled email went viral and got her kicked out of Delta Gamma. We thought her email was NSFW, but this pissed-off co-ed has written one of dirtiest emails we've ever read.
The letter was sent to Total Sorority Move by the writer herself (no leaking, no forwarding, this girl wanted to go viral and viral she went). The subject line is "Real Senior Sendoff Letter" and it is so explicit that we would be fired if we printed it in full. This is E! Online, not Penthouse.
"My younger sloots of [sorority redacted]," the letter begins, before she goes on to say, "Being a senior, not even knowing how the f--k I made it this far in life without killing myself because I am a dumb f--k...I'm going to be so blunt and truthful with you sloots you will learn everything you need to know about college right here in this letter..."
Or at least everything you need to know to become the angriest girl in your chapter!
And seriously, the first two points ("1. Have Sex," and "2. [WE CAN'T EVEN PRINT THE TITLE OF THIS ONE]") are so explicit that we're just going to present what we can MadLibs-style and you can figure it out:
1. Have Sex
Have sex with as many boys as you can. Well, not exactly, check out their [noun] first...Make sure you inspect the goods before you let it [verb] your [noun]. Having sex is [adjective]. The best thing you can do for your sex life is to learn to love [verb-ing] [noun]. It is one of my favorite pastimes. I could [verb] [noun] for like [number] minutes, anything after that is too long. [LAST TWO SENTENCES REDACTED.]
2. [ENTIRE POINT REDACTED.]
The rest is pretty on par with what you'd expect from an angry sorority girl:
3. Blackout or Back the F--k Out
If you are getting ready to hit the square or frats with your sisters you better have already been pounding some liquor by 7pm. No one ever enjoys a sober sally, she judges the f--k out of you and even though I judge everyone who is within 4 feet of me, no one can judge me. I live my life by a double standard (see number 4). It is a really great feeling to wake up hopefully in your bed, and look to your side with a confused look asking yourself "did I have sex with him?". It has happened to me countless times. [...]
4. Live your life by a double standard
You are queen of the f--king world. You can do no wrong...You're the s--t and no one can tell you any different. You can yell at your s--t roommate and tell her that her bedroom is a revolving door even though you hooked up with two different guys in two days, it could have been three but who is counting anymore? Excuses are your new best friend...You better start having excuses memorized like the 6-carat princess cut engagement ring your rich as f--k future boyfriend better get you in a few years you have memorized. I live my life by the absolute biggest double standard and it has gotten me so far, you young sloots better start doing the same.
Which is to say, not great. But, you know, kids these days?
"You f--king lucky little bitches have a few more years to run out mommys credit card, while crying to daddy that you have no money in your account so he slips you some cash for booze and weed," she concludes. "Remember, wrap it before you tap it, no one wants the herps, and if you can, always be slightly drunk. Life will be so much better."
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