Gabriel Olsen/Getty Images, Taco Bell
by John Boone | Wed., Jan. 29, 2014 4:34 PM
Gabriel Olsen/Getty Images, Taco Bell
It's so typical for someone to become famous and forget the little people who got her there.
In this instance, the famous person is Cameron Diaz and the little people are Taco Bell. Because in the newest issue of Self magazine, Cameron puts the restaurant that she grew up on on blast and how is that fair?
I saw a Taco Bell yesterday—it made my stomach scream. If I had nothing else to do, I would be, like, 'Three bean-and-cheese burritos and give me some nachos with extra cheese sauce!' I would so kill that sh-t.
"But," she concludes. "What I've learned is that just 'cause you can chew it and swallow it and poop it out doesn't mean it's food."
But she's wrong. Taco Bell is food. And it's good(ish) food, at that.
First, a bit of background on Cameron's estranged relationship with The Bell, which may explain why she feels the need to slander their good name today. In her new book, The Body Book, she explains that she "grew up on fast food."
"When I was in junior high, my friend's brother worked at Taco Bell," she says. "Every day after school, I would come by and order one bean burrito with extra cheese and extra sauce, no onions, and he would always give me two...Every single day, for three years, that was what I ate."
That is a lot of Taco Bell. That is arguably too much Taco Bell. But perhaps Cameron is mistaking bean burritos burnout with disgust of Taco Bell as a whole. It's like when a smoker smokes eight packs of cigarettes in a row and then is so disgusted with herself that she never wants to smoke again (except smoking actually is bad for you, tacos are not).
Taco Bell is food, though. We know this because there are basically only three ingredients to any Taco Bell meal and they all check out as food (the dictionary defines food as "food [food] noun 1. any nourishing substance that is eaten...to sustain life, provide energy, promote growth, etc.")
The only questionable "food" product in Taco Bell history is their beef: In 2011, a civil suit reportedly made the claim that the beef was actually only 36 percent beef. In 2013, tests revealed that Taco Bell beef at a UK store actually contained horsemeat.
As for the former, the suit was dropped "after reviewing the facts." Taco Bell is very open about what else is in their "88% Beef" (read about it here). As for the latter, yeah, there was some horsemeat in some UK Taco Bell beef products (though none in the US, so we ain't worried about it).
Can't we treat Taco Bell like we would want to be treated: Let them learn from their mistake and forgive them. They are sorry you ate a little Seabiscuit with your Crunch Wrap Supreme, now be the bigger Cameron Diaz and accept their apology.
Because every item on the Taco Bell menu is delicious, because they are all basically the same. Gorditas? Yeah, that's delicious. Doritos Tacos Locos? Yeah, those are delicious too. Those Grillers and the burritos and those new Running Nachos or whatever it's called? They're all beef, cheese and DELICIOUS.
It's Taco Bell, man. You shouldn't eat it every day. But if you do (and are smart about it) you'll probably be fine too—use that science teacher who ate McDonald's for a month and actually lost weight as a case study.
And even Taco Bell knows the best time to eat Taco Bell: When ya drUuuUUnnKKK! (Seriously, if you're legal, do some shots of tequila right now and in an hour or so, have a sober friend drive you through the Taco Bell drive thru and then tell us if you have ever eaten something more delicious in your life.)
In conclusion: You can chew Taco Bell. You can swallow Taco Bell. You can poop out Taco Bell.
And Taco Bell is food. Science, we're pretty sure, says so. But if we have any questions about pubes, you'll be the first person we ask, Cam.
[Note: The above artwork is a photographic composition. The picture of Cameron is dated 1/16/2014 and, as far as she would likely you to believe, she has not been inside a Taco Bell in quite some time. Though we can imagine that she has eaten more Gorditas in the recent past than you would expect.]
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