Varsity Blues' Anniversary: 12 Life Lessons We Learned From the Football Flick

Here's everything James Van Der Beek and co. taught us back in 1999

By Jenna Mullins Jan 15, 2014 7:13 PMTags
Varsity BluesParamount Pictures

Real quick: let's talk about the fact that boys in our high school never looked like Paul Walker (may he rest in peace), James Van Der Beek, Scott Caan or Eliel Swinton. Do boys look like that nowadays? Teenagers: please confirm or deny.

Anyway, today is the 15th anniversary of the great football movie Varsity Blues, which debuted in theaters on this day in 1999. Feel old? Good. Us, too.

It was not just a movie about football, though. Yes, there is a lot of football in it, but it was also about friendship, growing up, figuring out your future and how your relationship with your parents can change everything. And also it was about life in Texas, which has since been done to perfection in the form of an NBC show called Friday Night Lights that is better than anything that's ever been on TV ever. But we digress.

Since it's the anniversary of Varsity Blues, we thought we should talk about all the life lessons that movie gave us. We came up with 12, even though we're sure we could think of many, many more. But leave us alone, we're tired:  

1. Whipped cream bikinis don't always work. How in the hell did Mox resist Ali Larter in her infamous dessert lingerie? Maybe because in reality, all that whipped cream is just a yeast infection waiting to happen. Gross, but true.

2. If you make an impassioned speech to your father about not wanting his life, people will quote it for the rest of time. 

3. Paul Walker made baseball caps (worn both forward and backwards) look damn good.

4. Anything can be a name for a penis. Yes, even "Pedro."

5. If you get hammered drunk before a big game, you will most likely suck in said game. Even worse? Just wait until you get older: Your hangovers will last for days instead of hours.

6. Don't just climb into a truck bed. Do something flashy, you slacker. You'll look much cooler.

7. Have a demanding father? Throw a football at his head. You'll either make him proud and get him off your back, or you'll hit him in the nose and shut him up.

8. Jon Voight makes a terrifying football coach. And don't let him put a needle near your leg. Actually, don't let anyone put a needle near your leg. Good life lesson.

9. When introducing or featuring a dreamboat like Paul Walker, always use slow motion so people can really savor his face.

10. Everyone needs a trademark end zone dance. Even someone who eventually goes on to solve crimes as part of the Hawaii 5-O. End zone dances can be used in any and all situations, so you'd better get one quick.

11. Sex on a dryer during a packed party won't be awkward at all. Even if someone walks in on you to vomit in the washing machine. You will smile good-naturedly and probably keep at it.

12. If you're going to do a football movie, you better throw in some bare butt action for the ladies and gents not interested in just another sports movie.

Varsity Blues, you are a cinematic treasure. Now let's all watch the trailer and revel in its splendor: