It has been one week, people. Welcome to 2014.
1. A man was killed by an "atomic wedgie."
3. A teenager cut off his penis while high on mephedrone.
He goes by the name DoubleDickDude (a bit on the nose, we think) and he held an AMA (Ask Me Anything) to discuss his diphallia. When asked if he's ever thought about having one removed, he said, "In my mid teens, yeah. Now, hella no." Check out "10 Fascinating Facts" from the AMA (via Rolling Stone) or just look at the (obviously NSFW) photo here.
(Since we're already on the subject, this guy burned his penis.)
6. The country ran out of Velveeta.
7. Idris Elba got a boner from a bowtie.
My Bow makes my dick hard every time I smile...is that normal? pic.twitter.com/AI6k9TOGmu? Idris Elba (@idriselba) January 5, 2014
8. A guy claims to have killed Bigfoot. BUT FOR REAL THIS TIME, GUYZ.
A Bigfoot hunter named Rick Dyer says he killed Bigfoot and will take his body on tour. Rick says he lured the beast out by "nailing pork ribs from the WalMart down the street." Rick is keeping Bigfoot at "an undisclosed location," but says, "It is the real deal. It's Bigfoot and Bigfoot's here, and I shot it and now I'm proving it to the world."
9. Insane Clown Posse is suing the FBI.
For calling Juggalos a "loosely organized gang."
10. A Florida woman gave birth in a Walmart parking lot while her husband was shopping.
(Obviously this happened in Florida.)
11. Cormac McCarthy's ex-wife pulled a silver handgun out of her vagina and used it to threaten her boyfriend during an argument about aliens.
Apparently while doing so, she asked her boyfriend, 'Who is crazy, you or me?" Uh...
12. A girl posted a Craigslist Missed Connection for a guy who peed on her on New Year's.
Because she is in love with him.
"...and then we started to make out. After a minute I felt something warm and realised that you pissed yourself. I pushed you away and that's when you ran but I wish you had stayed. You peed on me but it's OK!"
13. Living Dolls are a thing now.
14. A teen threw boiling water in a girl's face because she unfriend him on Facebook.
"I accepted his friend request a year ago because I found him decent then," she said of the unfriending. "But of late he had become abusive and so I 'unfriended' him last week." He did not take it well.
15. Jenna Jameson showed her boobs to Reddit so they would track down her ex-assistant.
All of this seems illegal.
16. Side Effects became real when a 26-year-old student was committed.
Well, Side Effects up until the twist, that is. But we won't spoiler it. "Natural Lipo X" apparently caused the girl sleep deprivation delirium and she "got into arguments with strangers, stopped her car in the middle of a busy intersection [and] tore a screen door at her home and stabbed pillows and pictures."
17. Someone paid $42,000 to webcam with a dominatrix.
18. It got so cold that an escaped prisoner turned himself back in to jail.
Robert Vick escaped from a prison in Kentucky, wearing only prison-issued khaki pants and a jacket. But when the temperature hit -20 degrees, he was like, "Nope! No, thank you! Sorry ‘bout it, freedom."
19. An Alabama fan (and mother of three) went HAM* on an Oklahoma fan at the Sugar Bowl.
And we love every second of it. (Except the nightmares we had afterward.)
21. We elected our first Pastafarian politician to office.
Who? Christopher Schaeffer. What? Pastafarianism. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. "A movement that promotes a light-hearted view of religion and opposes the teaching of intelligent design and creationism in public schools." How? We don't know.
22. Director Michael Bay seemed to completely forget what directors do.
"Totally Blissed Out Dolphins" = Our new spirit animal.
25. This lady went on TV to say that she wants size QQQ boobs.
She currently has size MMM and can make them glow in the dark.
26. Shia LeBeouf.
What is this? This is not right. Why is he? What are they? Who is he? When are we? How are they? Who is what? What is how?