Last night, the Kardashians released their annual Christmas card. And it's a doozy this year: It's kind of circus-y and kind of casino-y and kind of Illuminati-y and there is not a single Christmas tree!
Instead, there are tons of subliminal messages and Kardashian Easter eggs, a few missing people and Bruce Jenner trapped in a glass tube. Let's zoom in and analyze, shall we? Starting with the obvious...
1. Where's Kanye West?
In a recent interview, Kanye said that he doesn't appear on Keeping Up With the Kardashians very often because he doesn't like how they "shoot some of the shots."
Via conveniently placed Rolling Stones magazine covers. Which were conveniently shot by David LaChapelle. And Kanye as Jesus may be the most traditionally Christmas-y thing about the card.
3. Where's Lamar Odom?
This may have less to do with the integrity of cinematography. But again...
4. Here he is!
5. Where's Scott Disick?
No one knows! He made it in 2010, 2011 and 2012.
6. But here's someone you may not have expected to make the card: Kris Humphries.
7. Oh and where's Rob Kardashian?
The other guys are understandable, but Rob is blood.
8. But while the card may have been lacking in the men, it featured Kim Kardashian's face 60 times.
Roughly. We may have missed a tabloid cover or spot of graffiti.
9. As you know, Kim is proud of her postbaby body and not afraid to show it off.
David LaChapelle just helps direct the viewer's eye with carefully placed arrows.
10. Some nods you may not have noticed: This Illuminati display.
The Illuminati is an ancient secret society of elite members that supposedly control everything about this world. One of there main symbols is the All-Seeing Eye (that pyramid). Kanye West is rumored to be a member.
Perhaps this is a sweet little nod to Kim's hubby-to-be, as he is absent from the card (see: point No. 1). Perhaps the whole Kardashian family is part of the Illuminati now and will help bring forth the New World Order mwah-ha-ha!
(Also: Maybe it's just one more thing they're poking fun at in the card. Double also: It's worth point out that Kanye has denied that he is affiliated with the Illuminati. And Kim Kardashian denied she is affiliated with the "Illuminate," but you get what she means.)
11. Than again, Kylie Jenner's headpiece here is very Metropolis-chic.
(Metropolis is a 1927 German film that is allegedly packed with Illuminati and occult references. Lady Gaga did a whole Metropolis-themed photo shoot...with David LaChapelle!!! At this point, we've Googled far too much about the Illuminati. If we disappear, you know who's behind it.)
(Just kidding. Who actually believes in the Illuminati?)
12. Bruce Jenner's Wheaties box is tucked into the background.
13. Because he used to be an Olympian.
14. Who won two gold medals for the Decathalon.
And this Christmas card really wants to make sure you know that.
Hey. You. Bruce Jenner was in the Olympics and won two gold medals.
15. Kendall Jenner is a model now. Here, she is modeling the card's circus-y theme. She is hypnotized.
16. But lest you forget she's a model, here is sexy graffiti of Kendall modeling.
17. Perhaps this floating angel baby is a nod to North West, who is also absent.
Perhaps it is a nod to Baby Jesus. Which would actually be the most Christmas-y thing about this Christmas Card (sorry, Yeezus).
18. Here is a Christmas card flashback to 2011, of Kris Jenner.
19. The word fame is featured, written in graffiti, four times in the photo.
20. And—here's where we really dive deep with symbolism, metaphors, conspiracy theories, etc., etc.—Kris Jenner is shown with one hand on the words fame and money and the other on Kardashian. Could this represent her becoming the conduit between fame and family?
Aka The Momager.
21. Are the aforementioned absent men (aside from Rob) represented in these mannequins: One black mannequin (Kanye). One taller black mannequin (Lamar). One white-ish mannequin with Lord Disick-like hair (Scott).
In which case, we have a million more questions about the fire, about the heavens opening up behind them, about where'd they get that creepy mannequin wearing wig?
22. Is this "It's Over" magazine cover announcing the divorce of Kris and Bruce...
23. ...the reason that Bruce is literally in a glass case of emotions?!
24. Lastly, what does this say?!
We have stared at it for far too long and cannot figure it out.
A clue, perhaps.