Dangerous Divas!

What was Jessica Simpson thinking? And, no, we're not talking about Jess taking on murderous Cowboys fans, just the more villainous New York editing world. Plus, it's bitchfest Tuesday, time for reader feedback. Are you armed?

The real shocker coming outta New Yawk is so not Beyoncé and Jay-Z's wedding (it'll last one year, "max," say some o' B-babe's buds, no joke here), but that yet another T-town celeb is offering herself up for the PR-seeking editors of NY's more smarter rags. Jessica Simpson appears on the May cover of Esquire—donning her best Marilyn curls and testosterone-requiring shaving cream—striking a pose I thought I'd see coming from Thomas Beattie, the pregnant man, not a superstrutter like Simpson. The pic's a recreation of a 1965 cover featuring Italian actress Virna Lisi, proving that only wine stays relevant with age. Last time a blond bombshell (emphasis on the bomb, box-office wise) pulled a Norma Jean redux on a mag front (New York), the results worked wonders for sales, but the stunt only opened the starlet to more ridicule and scrutiny. Hey, at least Lindsay had the balls to be photographed in the buff—tho she forgot to wipe the years of wasted potential off her freckled face.

Ever since dating-and-dumping jokester John Mayer, Jessikins has been up to all sorts of wackiness, from embarrassing straight to DVD-hicles to cheerleading at b-f Tony Romo's home games to every Texan's distaste. (Tho I bet nobody would complain much if she sported a Borat-inspired Speedo on a cruise ship.) J.S. needs to put the kibosh on the kookiness and crappy flicks and wrestle up some respect from the ain't-buying-it masses. Step uno would be putting those decent pipes to use and making some new music. Step dos would be calling the Esquire editors to schedule a reshoot, sans shaving cream. Jess-poo, this stunt smells as bad as your bedroom in Rome did once you and John were done with it.

Dear Ted:
Seriously, am I the only person in America who thinks Amy Winehouse is a dog? Ewww...woof!
  Tricia
  Fort Worth, Texas

Dear Not Alone:
Last I checked, A.W. wasn’t walking away a winner at any beauty pageants like she did at the Grammys. But if Wine-hon is a dog, she’s a shaggy li'l English bulldog we can’t help but love. And her coat’s simply perf. How’s your 'do, not to mention looks, Ms. ugly-ass rottweiler?

Dear Ted:
Here's my guess for Vicky Vamp Void of One New Nose About It Blind Vice: Lindsay Lohan. The young role model/actress...hanging out at Spider Club...and then the kicker, Humpy Harlow! I just saw pictures of Lindsay and Samantha Ronson, and it seemed to click. Am I right?
  Cathy
  Toronto, Ontario

Dear Too Obvious:
LiLo’s too blaring a choice—so obvious I bet even L2 had to think back and wonder, “Wait, was that me?” She ain’t our sniffy starlet, but right age.

Dear Ted:
Can you please tell me why all of Young Hollywood smokes? Kirsten Dunst, Britney, Natalie Portman, Scarlett Johansson, Leelee Sobieski, etc. Have they never seen Melanie Griffith?  Smoking ages you fast.
  Linda

Dear Puff 'n' Stuff:
Strange, never saw goody-two-shoes Natalie P puffin’ away, tho I can imagine they’d be classy French cigarettes or something just as snooty. And lighting up can wrinkle up your mug, but have you seen what it does to your lungs? Botox won't always fix that s--t, promise.

Dear Ted:
I remember when you used to adore Nicole K...did she diss you on the red carpet? And comparing Britney to Madonna? M is twice her age and hasn't suffered from mental illness. Plus, I doubt anyone is as tough as Madonna.
  Ros
  Melbourne, Australia

Dear Wrong:
Of course, there’s a broad in H'wood who’s as tough as Madonna, her name’s Nicole Kidman Cruise Urban Warfare. Babe’s the best—don’t ef with her, or her hideously inappropriate bod-guard, who’s the creep here, more so than Nic, whom I adore. Just think it’s disgusting how she’s attempting to skirt the damage her worker bee created.

Dear Ted:
I think  Snarla Sledgehammer from One Whipping Oy Blind Vice is Chelsea Handler. Am I right?

  Jennifer
  Orlando, Fla.

Dear Brilliant:
No, but you aren't too far off. Think less blond, just as bitchy!

Dear Ted:
It is great to see that at least someone hasn't forgotten the talent Tom Cruise has. He was totally robbed of his Oscar for Magnolia. I'm with you—he should stick to drama and get the gold already.  Tina
  Pleasanton, Calif.

Dear Oscar Glory Hole:
The Academy sure loves finally giving the gold over to someone who’s due, à la Marty Scorsese...but Cruise’s career is less and less consistent as it gets dragged out.

Dear Ted:
You mentioned the way to get an Oscar for men is to play gay. My question is, have there ever been any (out) gay actors to win an Academy Award for playing straight? P.S.: Love ya and all your fagola-speak!
  U. Jones
  New Brunswick, N.J.

Dear Feted Fruits:
Homos playing heteros? You bet. Uncloseted gays playing straight? Uh, other than Rupert Everett...

Dear Ted:
Love your column and have been reading it for a while now. Being somewhat isolated in mid-America, I am relying on your sharp perceptions and spot-on insights to keep me in the know.
  Shizuka
  Beaumont, Texas

Dear Poor Thing:
Thanks chunks, doll-hon, didn’t Renée Zellweger escape from some godforsaken spot near you? You can, too!

Dear Ted:
It just occurred to me, after you wrote how Hayden P dates a 30-year-old and gawks at Angelina Jolie (but hell, who wouldn't), she could be Browhilda Frown-Free from One Backfire-for-Hire Blind Vice? Must be a reason you hinted that Brad Pitt should take note of that...?
  Wicked Witch
  Broomwill, East

Dear Elphaba:
Your sorcery is set on the wrong hottie, 'cause it ain’t this Heroes hon. Think older. Slightly wiser.

Dear Ted:
I've never guessed on your Blind Vices before, but these two seem so easy. Snarla Sledgehammer from One Whipping Oy Blind Vice has to be Debra Messing, and Butch Spit-Spat from One Karma-Killin' Blind Vice is Warren Beatty. So am I two for two?
  Kai
  Aiea, Hawaii

Dear Balmy in the Brain:
How can I put this? D.M. is way too dumb for Snarla’s correct identity, and Butch, well, let’s just say Butch wishes he were so good-looking. Far from it.

Dear Ted:
In the famous words of George Lopez, "I got this!" One Whipping Oy Vice is sooo you and Catt Sandler.
  Kim
  Houston

Dear En Famille:
Sweet as I think Catt is, darlin’, I barely know the babe, just from getting coffee at the E! deli (a cesspool of grilled cheeses and even greasier grandstanding). Otherwise, you would be correct.

Dear Ted:
Browhilda Frownfree = Jennifer Aniston? I always believed the stories that she and Brad didn't have sex for two years! Ha!
  Judy K
  Skokie, Ill.

Dear Rachel Cut:
And this gives you infinite giggles? First, ain’t Jen. Second, that vibrator workin’ for ya?

Dear Ted:
I appreciate the fact that you keep discussing Heath Ledger because it's important not to let things and people slip through the cracks, but please, stop! I'm done! I'm Heathed out! The overexposure is actually making me care less and less every time. And just a suggestion, but don't you think the column space would be better used in discussing living people who could possibly be heading down that same path (and aren't named Lindsay Lohan)?
  Theresa
  Portland, Ore.

Dear Beating a Dead Horse:
Admirable pitch, but no sale.

Dear Ted:
I’m sorry your friend Snarla won't come to your wedding. What a bitch! As for One Karma Killing Blind Vice, that situation is statutory rape and must be reported. Doesn't matter if the young'un is a boy or not, or willing or not. Legal age is legal age, my friend.
  Jamie
  Annapolis, Md.

Dear Laughing Off the Law:
Hey, at least it wasn’t Slurpa this time.

Dear Ted:
Why do you hate Angelina Jolie so much? What has she done to you?
  Just Asking
  Portland, Ore.

Dear Just Jumping to Conclusions:
Have you even read the crap I write about Tom Cruise? Adore the dude! Same with Angie, you off Oregonian.