Charlotte's Tangled Web

Since everybody and their steamy alter ego (Kristin Davis, really?) seems to be making nooky tapes for all the world to see, here's our salacious dream list! Plus, per usual, you bitchy types hit pissy pay dirt—time for Tuesday's mailbag!

Gals who may or may not be Kristin Davis and Lindsay Lohan (we’re on the fence for both, tho' we don’t doubt how virginal either tape-denying chick is behind closed doors) were exposed on the Net last week, getting caught while partaking in all sorts of intimate kinkiness. Oh, who are we kiddin’, sex ain’t intimate anymore, at least not if you’re a celeb...or were a celeb...or will one day be a celeb.

Let’s put it this way: You ever wanna run for public office, star in a flick or even audition for American Idol, keep the camera out of the boudoir. But no one we actually want to see midcoitus is dumb enough to get it on tape and into our hands. So for this week’s Sick-Sick Six list, following are a half-dozen nooky tapes we demand get into production—'scuse us if we’re snittier than usual, we didn’t do a Pissed List yesterday.

1. Laura Bush and Bill Clinton:  She ain’t gettin’ it from Dubya anymore, trust. Why not go to a better, more experienced lover (and president, our and most of the world’s opinion)? Billy C is no stranger to salacious goings-down. We’re 100 percent positive he could show the first lady a nice time. And it’s not like Hillary’s got her fingerprints on his boxers anymore.

2. Chris Brown and Rihanna:  These two hot young things are way too swamped in goody press—we suspect, deep down, they’ve got a dirty side. Ri-Ri named her album Good Girl Gone Bad for a reason, fer sure. Plus, maybe then they’d finally admit they were a couple, clandestine canoodling is so eye-rolling, please.

3. The Bachelo and Bachelorette:  A sex tape for every day of the month!

4. Angelina Jolie and Portia de Rossi:  As much as we heart benevolence and charity work, we like erotic lesbian action as much any hetero hotness. Angie-babe should put the kiddos in day care, send papa Pitt out on Clooney’s Italian dock for a weekend, and go back to her sapphic past, bringing along lipstick lez Portia and a camera. Doubt Ellen would complain.

5. Mario Lopez and Eva Longoria Parker:  If Screech, of all the Saturday morning alum on earth, could have his own sex tape, why not the entirely much more doable A.C. Slater? And although Eva claims the longtime amigos have never hooked up, we’re highly dubious two terribly oozing gung hos could know each other for so long without getting under the sheets at least once.

6. Angie 'n' Angie:  C’mon, we’re human. And Jolie-hon has still got the goods, knocked up or no. Actually, the only person hotter than both Portia or Brad would be Angie doing it with, well, Angie. Now that’s the sweaty tape we wanna see the most.

Dear Ted:
So when a reader asked what the big deal was with Nicole Kidman drinking a glass of wine while pregnant, you said a publicist would never allow it. That’s because bottom feeders like you would then jump all over the innocuous detail and blow it out of proportion. You gossip writers are making the stories, then pretending to be horrified by them. You are a large part of the problem in our society, even though you pretend you're not.
  J.R.
  Glenview, Ill.

Dear Bottom-Feeder Reader:
That’s almost as good as when the world blamed us press types (instead of a drunken driver) for Princess Di’s death. You are reaching—and then some—Missy Sanctimony.

Dear Ted:
Whatever happened to Toothy Tile? It's been ages since you've had a Blind Vice about him! Has he settled into a well-concealed domestic life, or did he just receive some discretion for Christmas?
  Adam
  Calgary, Alberta, Canada

Dear That's It:
Gifted to him by his agent, manager, publicist, gardener and current hetero squeeze.

Dear Ted:
Sheila Slurp-Never from One Same-Old, Shame-Old Blind Vice is Scarlett Johansson!
  Ami
  Chicago

Dear Scar-No:
Sorry, Ami-go. Scar-babe’s scot-free in this case. Same circle, though...

Dear Ted:
Wanna know why Kidman's rep didn’t call back? Maybe the fact that Kidman's "bodyguard," David Garris, allegedly beat the crap out of a photog as Kidman was going to her daily workout session. Saw the tape, it's brutal. Kidman's camp has to spin this. She seems to want it both ways with the photogs. Next time she needs a good photo op she'll be queen of nice with them.
  Jamie
  Old Orchard Beach, Maine 

Dear Duh:
She’s already pulling the merde in Australia.

Dear Ted:
You seem hell-bent on continually posting new angles to Heath Ledger's death as a warning to drug abuse, yet every other Blind Vice is about some star snorting coke, posted to entertain your readers. It just seems a little hypocritical. Where is the warning before it is too late?
  Megan
  Chicago

Dear Reality Bites:
Sorry to break it to you, Meg-babe, but that's the depressing Hollywood low-down. Whether you like it or not, stars are snorting nowadays, and we're not going to ignore the truth...unlike some.

Dear Ted:
Wondering what Toothy Tile has been up to lately. You haven't mentioned him since Heath Ledger died. I find that interesting. Could it be... 
  A.J.
  Edison, N.J.   

Dear Good Question:
No, but not too far off.

Dear Ted:
There are a lot of veiled references in your column (and many others) to Catherine Zeta-Jones' real age. IMDb says she's 38 (and I'm Sheena, goddess of the jungle). Do you know what her real age is, or are you just guessing it's more than a slight fudge? Any proof? She is looking kind of waxy these days.
  Mary
  Scranton, Pa.

Dear Shena:
Cathy Zeta-Jones is actually 117 years old.

Dear Ted:
Back off on Heath Ledger. You gave your opinion, now drop it. Do you have to keep harping on it? OK, he had a problem with drugs. Everyone I read about in the news (i.e., celebrities) has some kind of problem. Hell, no one is perfect. Why should we expect this from Heath? I don't have a will and I'm 36. Granted, I don't have any children and I'm not worth a million. For me, it just hasn't been a priority.
  Denise
  London, Ontario, Canada

Dear Write a Will:
Heath was worth well over a million and had a kid. It should have been a priority for him. Instead, drugs were.

Dear Ted:
Thank you for coming out of the closet today. It took courage to admit you have never read a word of the Harry Potter series. I myself read a few words and, trust, it wasn't worth reading more.
  Fiona
  Burlington, Vt.

Dear Harping Harry: 
Hey, trust, is my cliché.

Dear Ted:
Stop with trust, trust! It's excessive! Annoyingly so! Cut it out! You're better than that!
  Teresa
  St. Clair Shores, Mich.

Dear Punctuated:
Trust! 

Dear Ted:
I finally solved one. Sheila Slurp-Never from One Same-Old, Shame Old Blind Vice is Keira Knightley and Shark Wankberg is Atonement producer Paul Webster. Yes!
  Mike
  Cincinnati

Dear No!
Good guess, good age, but wrong movie (and genre).

Dear Ted:
Please don't tell me Sheila Slurp-Never from One Same-Old, Shame Old Blind Vice is Reese Witherspoon. Don't know who funded Penelope...
  Victoria
  Cowpens, S.C.

Dear Piece of Reese:
She did. (Well, Reese-hon produced it through her Type A production co.) We ain’t pulling a trick BV here with Sheila and Shark being the same person, so keep guessin’—diff hair color, for starts.

Dear Ted:
What is the latest on the prez and his wife? Are they back together and is George still drinkin' heavy? Does your D.C. Desk think they will live together in Dallas?
  Cara
  Phoenix

Dear Paparazzi President:
The first couple is, for all intents and purposes, “back together.” But then so are Bill and Hill. Expect G and L to lead more and more separate lives, post-Oval Office, much as the Clintons do now.

Dear Ted:
Madonna has morphed—time for her to do her swan song album with some cool tunes (like Manilow's recent albums). She's no longer hot (to be hot, you have to appeal to young men ages 18-30), if she ever was, and there comes a time when you act real, act your age. Jeez, talk about people needing a reality check.
  Linda 

Dear Ef Off:
Give me one guy in his 20s who wouldn’t happily mack with Madge. ‘Course, those are all gay men...

Dear Ted:
I imagine I am terribly off, but instinct tells me Brad Pitt is Shark Wankberg and Angelina is Sheila Slurp-Never from One Same-Old, Shame-Old Blind Vice?
  Stephanie
  St. Pete, Fla.

Dear Bangin' Brangie:
You should always listen to your instincts...except for now. Wrong ages for both, nowhere near as overexposed as these two.

Dear Ted:
I think that Robert Buckley from Lipstick Jungle is damn hot! However, his eyebrows totally drive me crazy. Every time I look at them it makes me want to get out my tweezers. Am I alone in this?
  Che
  Seatac, Wash.

Dear Plucky:
Yep. This hunk's brows are a great complement to his eyes and smile, we love 'em!

Dear Ted:
What exactly happened to Britney? The divorce and drugs must have hit her too hard, but don't you think we should just leave her alone for a few days? I mean, she's more likely to recover—not reshave her head.
  Tori
  Irwin, Pa. 

Dear Battling Brit:
Nice that you want to leave her alone, but with her cartoon music video, she's demanding attention once again. Kinda hard to ignore the shameful singing mess, not to mention her so desperate pleas for attention. Which began, really, the moment mama Lynne started treating her like a corporation, instead of a child.