Is That a Pastie in Your Pocket?

We'll give her an A for effort, but Victoria Beckham walked the red carpet in full-out flower-power pasties, and why is Cuba Gooding Jr. getting all frisky with the femmes? Plus, Steve Carell goes (big-screen) same sex and tries to lasso himself up some Jake Gyllenhaal love!

Gotta get to that award-winning bitchiness from you emailing Awful readers, I know, but first more Oscar gab, par-tick regarding that red carpet cowboy, Steve Carell, who played the gay uncle in Little Miss Sunshine:

"Am I the Jake Gyllenhaal of this year?" S.C. asked, all Brokeback Mountain breathy. "I will go on record as saying that I am, indeed, that. Except I am not as good-looking and not as young and studly. I will wear that as a badge of honor for the rest of the night."

Indeed, Mr. Cee did—but just like Jakey-poo the year he was nominated, S.C.’s Little-movie-that-could ended up not winning in its nominated category, Best Pic.

Clearly the winner for Best Bump was Naomi Watts, who, despite what my possibly inebriated Desk Eff-Hell-Ay reported just yesterday, certainly appeared to be hiding something underneath that maternal Empire-waist job (the designer of which so sweetly issued a press release insinuating Watts is expecting, guess they won’t be designing Ms. W.’s trousseau, huh?) she was wearing at the Big Shoo Sunday. And when pressed on the carpet about whether or not she was, indeed, preggers, all Ms. W. would admit was, “I feel great.”

Such emotion, you maybe-mama! So, super-duper (maybe) congrats!

Less up for being out there, as it were (I mean in the damn movie, you silly E! legal eagles), was Victoria Beckham, who had a slight wardrobe malfunction at Elton John's AIDS Foundation Oscar viewing party Sunday night. Vic hit the carpet, sans hottie hubby David Beckham, in a white dress by Alaïa.

And evidently the former pop siren didn't want her headlights to be on, if you will, as they so often are when Posh is photographed in full perky-stuff fashion.

So, she wore petal-shaped pasties underneath her white dress. Only prob was that you could, like, totally see the nipple guards through her light-colored gown...at least in the lighting on the carpet.

"Why does Posh have flowers on her nipples?" asked one very confused (male) glitz-goer.

Hey, Becks-babe, you're in Hell-Ay now, so throw modesty to the polluted wind, already! Ta-ta slips are all the rage here. Next time, be sure to leave those grandma protective parts at home, and I promise you'll get even more press than you already possess, can you imagine?

Cuba Gooding Jr. raised eyebrows Saturday at Film Independent's Spirit Awards after-party with his, um, social friskiness, let's call it.

The Jerry Maguire Oscar winner, in Stitch's jeans, a green tee and a black hat, was seen schmoozing a multitude of diff dames. The comely chicas actually thought he was single due to his amorous advances at the postparty held at Shutters in Santa Monica.

Cuba kissed random gals' cheeks he was introduced to, and got a little hand-happy.

Now, Cuba's been married since 1994, so what gives?

Maybe it was those myriad cocktails flowing at this bash by the beach, where winners Ryan Gosling and Alan Cumming were also celebrating their accolades. Be careful, boyfriend, or your wifey might get wind of your fondness fer the femmes.

Or does she know already?

Dear Ted: 
When you say Brokeback Mountain is to you what Men in Trees is to Ellen DeGeneres, are you saying you had an affair with Jake Gyllenhaal? It's so sad to ask this, and I know I won't be answered!
  Sofia
  Buenos Aires, Argentina

Dear Cowboy Curious:
Darling, I only wish I had lassoed Jakey’s chaps before I met my own pup-tent pardner, J.P.! What I meant is that I was curious to see how the sparks would fly, onscreen, between real-life lovers Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams in said flick. 'Cause there certainly was zero chemistry between then married duo Tom Cruise and Nic Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut, remember?

Dear Ted:
Pansy Press from One Effed-Up Blind Vice has got to be Andy Dick. Do tell us!
  Nancy
  Tarlton, Ohio

Dear Private Eye:
Although P.P. is a dick, he is not that one. Think even schlongier, as it were.

Dear Ted:
Your idea for Justin Timberlake to call Britney Spears to try to help her is laughable! Justin is a punk, or rather, his handlers have made him a punk. They don't let him associate with anything negative, if you haven't noticed. He hung Janet Jackson out to dry. Prior to that, he hung Britney out in his teary-eyed phony baloney interview with Diane Sawyer (in which he and his mama blamed Brit for their breakup).
  Lady J. Meow
  New Jersey

Dear Bringing Bitchy Back:
As catty as you are, hon-bun, I do agree that J.T.'s camp has him on a short leash, socially speaking. (And it seems to be working fabulously for him, truth be told.) So, maybe he doesn't have Brit on speed dial these days, but I can dream, can't I? Gotta keep my fingers crossed that K-Fed isn't the one and only hope for Britters...she needs help far beyond the Federline.

Dear Ted:
In your Feb. 18 column, you said Carrie Underwood "got to prove that American Idol really can make dreams come true, as long as you are blond and Texan." Although she does have the blond, big-hair thing going, Carrie Underwood is actually from Checotah, Oklahoma! Since Oklahoma is mostly known for disasters (e.g., bombings and tornadoes), please, please give us credit for Carrie!
  Sarah
  Norman, Oklahoma

Dear Okie Oopsie:
My bad for thinkin' Carrie-babe was from Texas, I so should have known she was from the Sooner State. I would "sooner" be caught in a compromising position with Bubble-Butt Bub than make a fool of y'all!

Dear Ted:
Every time someone hangs out with Paris Hilton (Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Nicole Richie), they end up in rehab, going off the deep end, or both. What gives?
  Liz
  Baltimore

Dear Curious Chica:
As Paris' pint-size publicist Elliott Mintz often likes to proclaim: "Things are not always as they appear. It would be unfair to draw any conclusions based solely on these coincidences." Yeah, right.

Dear Ted:
Is Pansy Press Jeremy Piven? He always seems to be on something, and I could easily see him swinging both ways...
  Jennifer
  Hickory, North Carolina

Dear Pointin' at Pivs:
Nah, doll, Jeremy's just high on life...and getting some acshun now that he's a big Emmy-winning star and all that post-ceremony jazz. (And think far less acshun oriented, really.)

Dear Ted:
Do tell—is Brad Pitt starting to realize he's made a big mistake, trading Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie?
  Susie
  Salem, Oregon

Dear Homewrecker Hater:
Why would you say that, hon? B.P.'s got a fab New Orleans crib, three adorable tots and an Oscar-nominated flick. I do think Angie needs to put on a few pounds, though, 'cause no one likes getting it on with a broomstick—which is what her once fierce bod is becoming.

Dear Ted:
Your column is my morning must-read. I end up late to work several mornings because I've just got to get my gossip before heading to that dreadful office. I've got to take a guess at the latest Blind Vice. Could Pansy Press be Joaquin Phoenix?
  Emily
  Wilmington, North Carolina

Dear Jonesin' for Juice:
Glad I help make your ayems bright before that fluorescent-lit hell we all toil in, but I'm afraid you're way far off, E-cakes. Think much louder, less talented.

Dear Ted:
Thanks for suggesting Britney Spears may be suffering, in part, from postpartum depression. This can be a devastating condition and potentially a killer.
  Nicki
  Los Angeles

Dear Concerned:
Yep, though I must say even Brooke Shields never pulled something like this, as crazy as attending Tom Cruise's third wedding may have been for the sweet broad.

Dear Ted:
Caught you on General Hospital! Great job reporting on all the drama!
  Melissa
  Washington, D.C.

Dear Boob-Tuber:
Cannot believe how many of you Awful readers saw that cameo I pulled last week (was too much fun). Guess the real-life soap operas in H-town ain't enough for ya, eh?