Great White Shark


Summer officially started this week! So did shark attacks! Not that sharks exclusively attack in the summer season, but if shark attacks rolled around annually like a holiday—Oh, it's winter! Time for Christmas (or Hanukkah)! Oh, it's spring! Time for Easter (or Passover)—one might say, "Oh, it's summer! Time for a hot dog (or kosher hot dog), a nice day of kite flying and trying to not get eaten by a shark."

The latest attack occurred earlier this week off the coast of the Pacifica State Beach near Linda Mar in the San Francisco area, when Micah Flansburg was attacked, unprovoked, by a great white shark while kayaking.

Flanaburg estimates that the attack lasted about 10 seconds and that the shark was probably about 12 feet long (Twelve feet! 144 inches! Two times larger than a normal human being!).

We've cobbled together a sampling of quotes from Micah's interviews with local NBC and CBS affiliates to recreate the scenario for your reading terror:

"There was a huge explosion of water behind me and I instantly knew something just wasn't right." [Editor's note: Good observation, Micah. Nothing good ever follows a SHARKSPLOSION!]

"He came up straight underneath me and the whole kayak was probably lifted out of the water. And as it grabbed ahold of me, it started shaking the boat front to back. And it wouldn't let go."

"[The] shark's eyes were rolled up in the back of his head. I saw his gums and all his fangs bared. His whole head was halfway out of the water."

"I was pretty much helpless, just hanging on for dear life."

"Probably the scariest part was when it let go, 'cause it swam back around and I thought he was going to come and take another bite, right where my legs were."

Please don't say "right where my legs were," because that makes us think your legs were bitten off. A shark appetizer to the full course meal that would be the rest of you (then, when asked if he saved room for dessert, he did—your father-in-law). For the record, Micah was unharmed.

Afterwards, he called the Pacifica Police Department, where it was discovered the shark already had a previous rap sheet including an outstanding parking ticket, two missed court appearances and failure to pay child support. Just kidding! The cops did nothing. According to NBC Bay Area, authorities did not shut down the beach. According to E! Online, the authorities have apparently never seen Jaws.

The Christian Science Monitor published an article in the wake of the attack titled, "Pacifica shark attack: why we don't need to be afraid," explaining that "shark attacks are on the rise" but the chances of being attacked are "close to nil." 

Still, we have compiled a comprehensive list of ways to avoid a shark attack:

1. Don't go in the ocean.

Here are additional ocean-dwelling creatures that can kill you: whales, eels, jellyfish, sea snakes, barracudas, stingrays, swordfish, seals, sea urchins, etc. Humans weren't given gills for a reason. Keep your ass out of the water.

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