In the words of Si Robertson. "This snowcone is giving me a brain sneeze. It's when your brain needs to sneeze, but it can't ‘cause it's a brain, so it just hurts." As the unshakeable patriarch of Duck Dynasty, it is Si's job to keep the family together. Still, he must remain true to his role as a sensitive observer in a harsh world. 

We, like Si, must keep our ears pressed to the crops of freshly shaved scalps, while simultaneously keeping an eye on Dunkin' Donuts' new pork and sea weed doughnuts.  Yes, we do this with full awareness that until JWOWW makes her much anticipated appearance on One Life To Live, our lives will remain desolate landscapes of indifference. But we also do so knowing that the universe has heard our duck call, and delivered a splendrous weekly round-up of links.


Reese Witherspoon Mugshot

Gwyneth's essence has finally been captured! Please do not feed or touch it.

If you're reading our blog, we're sorry, Gwyneth. About what you did to this toddler.

Just because we have unreceptive cervical mucus doesn't mean we're not allowed to dream.

If anyone needs a news reporter, this guy is the f***ing sh*t.

The absence of the threat of her foot will be felt in the crotches of all. We're here to help her move on.

The Earth is probably hiding in a bathroom stall. I mean, we may as well have published her diary.

Finally, Justin's monkey has the proper paperwork!

Reese inspired us to explore disorderly conduct, and what we found was stunning--in an electroshock kind of way.


Michael Shannon gave a c*nt-punting performance of this Greek literary gem.

(SPOILER!) One day you're in, and the next day you're celebrating in an old-timey microphone hat.

"Why do I need to put on a shirt? I'm just accepting a doctorate from Brown."

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