Gil: Say, everybody. We're Gil and Phil.

Phil: We flew in from the Catskills and boy, are our jokes tired!

Gil: Make sure to leave a little something for your waitstaff.

Phil: And make it more than "just the tip."

Gil: Anyway, we heard the awful news about Snoop Dogg's 4/20 party getting shut down!

Phil: In other words, he blacked out.

Gil: Well, I was sad to hear about police shutting down Farrah Abraham's sex party. 

Phil: They had to! Someone forgot to hit "record."

Gil: Did you hear Madonna's concert was shut down due to filthiness?

Phil: No one cared enough to mop the venue beforehand.

Gil: Well, it's too bad to hear the police won't let Tan Mom out in the sun.

Phil: Yes, but now the neighbors have a tolerable view.

Gil: Did you hear police shut down Lindsay's Klepto-party?

Phil: By the time the guests arrived there was nothing left to steal!

Gil: Did you know that the police arrested Gordon Ramsay for screaming?

Phil: Everyone knows you moan when making love to beef wellington.  

Gil: Well, did you hear that Paula Deen got arrested for using too much ranch dressing?

Phil: Why, when there are such better remedies for vaginal dryness??

Gil: Police also shut down the Kardashian family talent show.

Phil: Unfortunately they don't consider "doing nothing" a talent.

Gil: Thanks, we're here all week.

Phil: No we're not. Everyone hates us.

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