So says Michael Novotny, the comic book-lovin', discount store-workin', sexually repressed and hopelessly-in-love-with-his-best-friend character played by Hal Sparks (yup, the post-John Henson former Talk Soup host) in the opening of Showtime's racy new series Queer as Folk, which premieres Sunday (10 p.m. ET/PT).
But, in our Jerry Falwell-outing-Teletubbies world, the subject isn't so much that the American adaptation of the British TV hit contains a lot of sex--it's what kind of sex it contains. As in, hey, what is that guy's legs doing over that other guy's shoulders?
Got it? Good. But even viewers accustomed to the type of raunchy talk and graphic sexual content of shows like Sex and the City may be in for a surprise when they get a load of Queer as Folk (QAF to fans), with its frank depiction of the sex lives of five gay male Pittsburgh pals and their lesbian friends.
Need more examples? Well, there's the aforementioned legs-over-the-shoulder scene between the very randy twentysomething Brian (Gale Harold) and 17-year-old (up from the 15-year-old in the British original) Justin (Randy Harrison), which also includes a shot of a tongue boldly going where no man has gone--at least, not on another man--before on American TV.
Want to sample the dialogue? Here's a quip from Sharon Gless' Debbie, the über-accepting waitress mom of Michael, as she waits on her son's gay friend Emmett (Peter Paige): "Em, honey, you should try and get some of your protein off the plate."
Still, like Sex and the City and other cable series that feature saucy language and people gettin' nekkid, being bawdy alone does not a show make (outside of that infamous public access channel in New York, anyway), and since Showtime's QAF stretches the British version from eight episodes and one two-hour sequel into 22 weekly episodes, there's definitely more character development and soap opera-ish twists and turns to keep viewers hooked.
Like the fact that irresponsible Brian has fathered a baby for lesbian couple Melanie (Michelle Clunie) and Lindsay (Thea Gill); that Michael is desperately in love with best pal Brian, a successful ad exec who lives only to shag as many and as often as possible, including a client in the men's room at work; that co-workers at Michael's Kmart-ish place of employment think he's straight, including a woman with a huge crush on him; and the situation with uptight and shy accountant Ted (Scott Lowell), who relies on sneaking glances at online porn on his computer at work to get his jollies.
And then there's the underage Justin, who not only loses the Big V to Brian, but mistakes his first sexual experience for love. Oh, and about that underage business...
"There is no drama in political correctness," Russell T. Davies, the creator of the original QAF, tells New York magazine. "Whatever you're writing about, you've got to get under the skin and get to the heart and look at the stuff that no one likes to look at."
And what about the potential protests (which HBO-trailing Showtime, with roughly two-thirds of HBO's 36 million subscribers, would probably welcome for publicity purposes) from conservatives or charges from some members of the gay community that the show's promiscuous characters do little more than promote or reinforce gay stereotypes?
"We've never had a gay or lesbian drama on TV before, only comedies, so it's a welcome addition to primetime," says Scott Seomin, entertainment media director for the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation. "Yes, it is a graphic depiction of one subset of the gay community. And some gay and lesbian viewers may recoil at seeing this depiction, while others may applaud it.
"But this is not the only place [the community] is represented in the TV landscape of the year 2000," Seomin continues. "If QAF were the only portrayal, GLAAD would absolutely have a problem with it. But not every gay person is as polite as Will Truman on Will & Grace, and it's important that we show the flawed side as well."