Whambulance Wednesday Soup

It's that time again! The time when we lovingly respond to viewer criticism, otherwise known as "taking you for a ride in the Whambulance." (FYI: Whambulance rides are very expensive, and not covered by most insurance plans – ride only when necessary)

This week's viewer comment was a decisive call to action:

Whambulance Paris


Dear Martin,

Can I call you "Coach?" Okay then, Martin. Your comment took me back to the days of organized sports, when the only awards I ever won were "Most Improved" or "Best Snacks." My athletic goals were survival, and no amount of "wanting it" could have changed that.

Back to your point – which I acknowledge is a good one, and comes from a place of love. Why do more, when we can do…not more? We're living in a post-Kardashian America, where no one wants to work hard, because you can do just as well, if not better, doing nothing at all. Why be the best when no one will fire you for being mediocre (coincidentally also NBCUniversal's new company motto)? And why exert yourself when you can get rich just for being vacant, vapid, terrible, horny, and/or pregnant?

Take Paris Hilton, for example. Who better to highlight the benefits of do-nothingness, than the princess of the fully-shaved sloths? For years, Paris's sole profession was getting her vagina's picture taken (see her 2001-2009 tax returns). Then came, naturally, the E! reality show, an overflowing septic tank of male suitors, and a line of designer gum for dogs. At every step of the way, her maximum involvement was a squinty half-smile and a semi-conscious uttering of "That's Hot." Besides inventing letting her teacup yorkie pee on the table at brunch, Paris never actually had to "create" anything. 

(music swells)

So, here in the land of reality star hopefuls and viral millionaires, this is what we aspire to: nothing. Our greatest dream is to discover a homeless youtube sensation and live out the rest of our days drinking PBR from floating beer cozies in our pool. And then make a show about us doing that. Why not? Nothing could be greater. Nothing could be more American.

(slow clap)

Rudy! Rudy! Rudy!

P.S. I'm tired from all this cardio

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