Jodie Foster

Mike Windle/Getty Images for TWC

What the heck was Jodie Foster talking about last night?

—Marylle, Netherlands, via Twitter

Such speeches make perfect sense if you're the type of person who might be inside the Beverly Hilton during the Golden Globe Awards. (It certainly made enough sense to Foster herself, who defended the speech after she made it. Meanwhile, peer Jessica Chastain called the rambling speech "incredible.")

As for those living outside such bubbles of fabulousness, I'm here to help. Let's see what we can decode, here:

"Now, apparently, I'm told that every celebrity is expected to honor the details of their private life with a press conference, a fragrance, and a prime time reality show. And you guys might be surprised, but I am not Honey Boo Boo Child."

Translation: "I'm not your circus freak."

This assertion makes sense; Foster is a member of a generation that generally does not hold press conferences to talk about their sexuality, nor are most famous 50-year-olds particularly keen on launching fragrances inspired by their love lives.

"If you had been a public figure from the time that you were a toddler; if you'd had to fight for a life that felt real, and honest, and normal, against all odds; maybe then you too would value privacy above all else. Privacy."

Translation: See that last translation about circus freaks. I can understand Foster's craving for privacy. Then again, there is a cure for that.

"But I'm just going to put it out there, right? Loud and proud, right? So I'm going to need your support on this. I am, ah, single."

Translation: "I'm gay, but I'm not coming out, because: Privacy!"

Quite a few people saw this remark as an actual coming out. That's very debatable.

"That table over there, 222, way out in Idaho, Paris, Stockholm, that one, next to the bathroom with all the unfamous faces, the very same faces for all these years. My acting agent, Joe Funicello—Joe, do you believe it, 38 years we've been working together? Even though he doesn't count the first eight."

Translation: "That little person way over there in the back of the room is my longtime champion, who has stood by me since I was only 12." We may assume that, because Foster was so young, Funicello saw his job as half agent, half father figure.

"I will continue to tell stories, to move people by being moved, the greatest job in the world. It's just that from now on, I may be holding a different talking stick."

Translation: "I'll keep making movies, just not big blockbuster-type stuff."

A talking stick is an item associated with aboriginal democracies. It's essentially a stick, but whoever holds it is the person authorized to do the talking. In other words, Foster will continue to speak to her audiences, but not necessarily in a big-budget film.

"And maybe it won't be as sparkly, maybe it won't open on 3,000 screens, maybe it will be so quiet and delicate that only dogs can hear it whistle."

Translation: "I may make smaller movies, but I'll still be me, people."

Dogs can hear in the ultrasonic range. People can't. So: Quieter sounds, quieter get the idea.

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