Honey Boo Boo

Tired of the same 'ol traditional Thanksgiving fare? Well you're in luck. The Honey Boo Boo clan has some helpful tips for making any family gathering more memorable and televisable.

1.) Plastic Utensils - Save the silver for when you actually own any silver.

2.) Flash Fry Everything - Uniform crispness is worth a little property damage and the more than occasional third degree burn.

3.) Setup - Make sure the kids' table has plenty of surrounding room for a camera crew and lights. This, ideally, is where most of the day's hijinx will go down.

4.) Refreshments - Caffeine, caffeine, caffeine. Add booze for anyone over 16.

5.) The Main Course - No turkeys creamed by semi trucks to be had in your local vicinity? No problem! Try Racossudillo: an armadillo stuffed inside a opossum, stuffed inside a raccoon. Be sure to slow cook on a radiator grill to reduce gaminess. Season liberally with salt, butter, sugar, margarine, and salt. Ketchup to taste.

6.) The Stuffing - Try Hostess snack cakes instead of breadcrumbs to add some sweet to your savory. Crushed-up Ritalin adds texture and will help even everyone out.

7.) Lazy-E-Boys - The day doesn't end with the meal. Be sure to have lots of comfortable coma aids on hand for your shambling, over-fed relatives.

8.) The Quickening - Clear an outdoor space to comfortably accomodate all guests. Form a Faerie Ring and join hands. Once millions of people have tuned in to witness your off-kilter holiday adventures, the True Feast is at hand. Now your family can channel the nation's derision and morbid curiosity to refill their living vessels with the sustenance of Pure Dark Energy.

9.) Looking Ahead - With Life Essences sufficiently recharged, it's time to talk battle strategy for laying waste to the competition on Black Friday...and start planning your next get-together, of course!

HBB Thanksgiving
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