This Halloween, Tom Hanks is going as a shameless self-promoter!

In a pretty fantastic bit on The Colbert Report tonight, the two-time Oscar winner "surprised" Stephen Colbert by showing up to present inexpensive costume ideas for, er, all the little kids watching Comedy Central at 11:30 p.m. to make for a "spooktacular Halloween."

First up, a strangely familiar-looking cowboy. Then came an astronaut. Then a bedraggled, bearded FedEx employee carrying candy in a bucket made out of a volleyball. Hey, wait a second...

"If you want to talk about your movie career..." Colbert began.

"Stephen, my movie career speaks for itself—and is available on DVD and Blu-ray! It makes a great sugar-free alternative to Halloween candy, which is so important," Hanks said, turning to the camera," what with America's childhood obesity epidemic."

"So you do care about the children," Colbert agreed.

"Sure, why not?" the actor shrugged as four children dressed as four of the six characters Hanks plays in Cloud Atlas walked through the door.

"Together we are a manifestation of the same spirit through time sharing a common universal human yearning!" announced a pint-sized Zachry.

More argument ensued as Hanks insisted that he needed to promote himself, what with "that punk Joseph Gordon-Levitt nipping at [his] heels." Colbert relented a little when Hanks convinced him that the little soldier who knocked next had nothing to do with Saving Private Ryan.

But, then, Matt Damon in full World War II-era Army costume stormed in. And boy was he mad!

"What is the deal, Hanks? You asked me to come down here! You said it was for charity!" Damon yelled. "I got better things to do, you know! I could be drunk right now in a movie theater, heckling Argo!"

Oh, if only it were Halloween all the time.

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