Smelling salts (and/or ear plugs) will be provided at the conclusion of the story.
Okay, just what the heck is going on here? This: On August 27, Seagal and a nine-member, backing blues band (the better to drown him out with?) will take to the stage in Dallas, launching the Fire down Below mini-tour, Warner Bros. announced Friday.
Fire down Below is the name of Seagal's new testosterone-pumped movie, opening September 5. Warner Bros. is the studio behind the flick. And so, in the name of "marketing tie-in," the listening public will get tortured...er, treated to the stylings of a 46-year-old, squinty-eyed, pony-tailed Aikido master. (And, as of last June, a sacred vessel of Tibetan Buddhism.)
Now, to be fair, Seagal is "an accomplished composer and blues musician." It says so right there in the Warner Bros. press release.
And lest we accuse Kelly Le Brock's ex of being a tenderfoot in the world of music, Warner Bros. also reminds us that Seagal is a veteran performer. Why, he brought down the house at a bash inexplicably celebrating the Los Angeles premiere of The Glimmer Man. (Seagal also wrote two songs for the soundtrack of that 1996 movie dud.)
Sniping aside, Seagal's musical enterprise does have one thing going for it: Levon Helm. The blues great is the co-founder of the Fire down Below band and will be with the action star during his three concert dates in Dallas, Nashville (September 4) and New Orleans (September 5). The Nashville engagement is for cable's The National Network (TNN), meaning TV viewers everywhere will get to enjoy the sounds of Seagal.
Fire down Below, the movie, finds Seagal playing a federal environmental-agency agent on a job in rural Kentucky. It features several Grand Ole Opry types, Kris Kristofferson, Randy Travis and Travis Tritt, included.
Planet Hollywood--co-owned by fellow actor/quasi-musician Bruce Willis--is co-sponsoring the Seagal musical tour. Accordingly, Seagal will pop up in several of the theme restaurants during the promotional jaunt. But so as to (presumably) not scare off the eaters, Seagal won't perform in any of them. Except in New Orleans, where they have really strong stomachs.