Columbia Pictures; Summit Entertainment; Alfama Pictures Poor Robert Pattinson. First the world rallied around him as the ill-fated Cedric Diggory. Then they fell in love with him as Edward Cullen, a vampire tortured by the fact that his face could shine like diamonds.
It can't be easy. And, Hollywood professionals agree, it hasn't been. "He's been at an artificial high from the success of Twilight," manager Marrissa O'Leary observes.
But as lucrative as that role's been for Pattinson, the besieged Brit has struggled to stretch his image beyond pasty emo characters. Remember Me? Bel Ami? The movie about elephants? None of it quite worked, and some of it bombed.
He has yet to truly separate the man from the vampire, even with edgy David Cronenberg movie Cosmospolis opening this week (in very limited release), and perhaps a Werner Herzog film on the way.
"How about hosting the Oscars?" O'Leary jokes. "I'm sure James Franco will be happy to offer up some helpful hints."
That's a start. But with his Twilight time running out, we've come up with 28 things our pal Rob could do to shake up his movie career, all inspired by celebs who have broken free from their shackling stereotypes:
1. Get a Draco Malfoy haircut and bleach job: Hey, it earned Miley Cyrus a bunch of new headlines, if not a respected movie career.
2. Do a project that requires full frontal: What did Daniel Radcliffe do in the middle of his run as Harry Potter? Star in London stage production of Equus. Look it up.
3. Have a sleepover with Lady Gaga: The tactic either has made Lindsay Lohan look classier or Gaga trashier. We haven't decided. Either way: Transformation!
4. Star in Rupert Sanders' next film: That's right, Rob. That guy who likes to put his hands on your girl. Star in his next movie. Tabloid editors' minds would explode.
5. Do a Judd Apatow comedy, already: Seriously.
6. Direct a movie about a heist, and don't forget to cast Casey Affleck: Worked wonders for brother Ben Affleck, now a respected director eyeing the Justice League franchise and some actual Oscar buzz.
7. Start a Twitter war with a Kardashian: Oh, or better yet, marry one.
8. Date a Kennedy: Right, Taylor Swift?
9. Star in an ironically titled movie: Like, maybe, The Palest Cuckold, or Dude, Where’s My Car, and Why Is My Girlfriend Kissing That Guy In It?
10. Write an autobiography: No, write a memoir. You don't need to be old to do it. Cyrus wrote hers when she was 15.
11. Hang out with Princes William and Harry: Plus, London looks good on you.
12. Text Pippa: Make sure we know about it.
13. Record a song with Pitbull: Just watch out for Jennifer Lopez; she could take it personal.
14. Shill for a luxury watch company: All the A-list stars do it, and we're talking Charlize Theron A-list.
15. Start a production company: Just please some good stuff.
16. Steal Angelina Jolie from Brad Pitt: Bazinga!
17. Save Katy Perry from herself: Look, the girl is dating John Mayer for cryin' out loud. Whoever rescues her will be a national hero.
18.Work with Quentin Tarantino: Oh, hi John Travolta!
22. Become George Clooney's new yatch-buddy: Bonus: Maybe you get invited to Brangelina's wedding. Now those are serious connections.
23. Get photographed walking on Charlize Theron's block: At 5 a.m.
24. Start a band: Or just record an album with a few hipster legends, the way Scarlett Johannson did.
25. Get a dog, or a cat: And then Tweet about it incessantly.
26. Make a baby: With anybody.
27. Star in a biopic about a mentally challenged blind alcoholic: Release in November. Collect Oscar.
28. Announce a retirement: People go insane when a star publicly dabbles with leaving the biz. The only risk—and Joaquin Phoenix will back us up on this—is that if you threaten to retire, you just may stay that way, whether you mean to or not.
Now, what do you think Robert should be doing next?