We admit to living a bit vicariously through the small screen this week.
It's just that so many important things happened! American Idol and Dancing With the Stars crowned new winners, House left us, the Glee seniors graduated and Smash crushed more than a couple of actors' dreams.
And stuff happened in real life, too. Go ahead and start jogging your memory right now!
LAST MAN STANDING: Phillip Phillips has won American Idol, so what is he going to do next?! He's...having kidney surgery! The 21-year-old, guitar-clutching heartthrob from Leesburg, Ga., has been suffering from a "kind of not functioning" right kidney since day one, so he's gonna want to get that taken care of before he starts cutting records. But at least he didn't suffer for nothing. Sure, only a mere 21.5 million people watched him get crowned, but a record 132.3 million votes were cast. (But was Phillip better than Jessica Sanchez?)
CANNES DO: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West partied on Diddy's yacht and took their proclivity to kiss public at the 2012 Cannes Film Festival. (Which in addition to Kimye has a lot of prestigious cinemative events taking place, as well.)...Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson also steamed up the Croisette with one of their rare camera-accessible kisses.
THE SEX SITUATION: On-the-move Snooki and Jionni LaValle are expecting a boy! We leave the choice of squealing with joy or horror entirely up to you.
DRIVEN TO WIN: NFL star Donald Driver and sophomore pro Peta Murgatroyd won the 14th season of Dancing With the Stars, snatching it right out of Katherine Jenkins' delicate little hands.
BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE: We bid a tearful, anxiety-stricken goodbye to House with a one-hour retrospective featuring Hugh Laurie in all his cheeky British glory, and then a one-hour series finale that gave House and Wilson the fate they deserved. Each other, of course.
STAY OF EXECUTION: Chris Brown told Team Breezy to lay off of John Legend's fiancée, model Chrissy Teigren, even though she did hate on him. The model wasn't the only one piling on Brown's performance at the 2012 Billboard Music Awards, but we don't blame his fans for being too scared to take on Pink.
FOOD NETWORK STAR: Anne Burrell has shrugged off the notion that Chopped host Ted Allen outed her, with her rep noting that Anne's been in an out-and-proud relationship with a woman for years. Chefs apparently don't have the time that regular people do to make a big deal out of things.
SOME THEORY: The Big Bang Theory star Jim Parsons supposedly got the out treatment from the New York Times, but, once again, it's one of those situations where he was never really in.
LIFE IN PLASTIC, NOT FANTASTIC: Anderson Cooper kicked Sarah "Human Barbie" Burge off of his show mid-interview after she started talking about the plastic-surgery advice she gave to her 15-year-old and the usually pretty stoic host couldn't take it anymore.
JUDGE NOT, LEST YE BE NOT JUDGED: X Factor auditions have kicked off, meaning Britney Spears is required to get with the program (or, in her case, apparently, at least most of it). She says she's having a great time, but it remains to be seen how well she's meshing with her fellow judges.
ON SECOND THOUGHT: No longer acting like a 14-year-old boy, John Mayer is sorry for overcompensating with locker room talk back when he feared being boring.
CAN'T HARDLY WAIT: U.S Olympic track team athlete Lolo Jones is saving herself for marriage. Preferably to a hot actor.
HIS CONFESSIONS: Usher testified that his ex-wife Tameka spit on his new girlfriend when he dropped their kids off at her house, and Tameka's lawyer asked him point-blank about allegedly cheating on his wife with a woman who was a bridesmaid at their wedding.
STILL A BOYFRIEND: Young love won the day when Justin Beiber further assured concerned parties that he and Selena Gomez have not broken up...Somewhat older love scored a point too when we heard that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis were trying to make things work.
FOUND: Nick Stahl turned up—in rehab.
PEEKABOO: Miley Cyrus nearly flashed more than side-boob as she was running barefoot through a parking lot. What about that sentence doesn't scream class?
SMOKIN': Bar Refaeli scored the top spot on Maxim's annual Hot 100 list.
WEDDING BELLS: Mark Zuckerberg married college sweetheart Priscilla Chan in his backyard, just like people who don't have $17 billion.
BABIES: Megan Fox's baby bump has arrived...Jillian Michaels' partner, Heidi Rhoades, gave birth to son Phoenix just as her adoption of 2-year-old daughter Lukensia from Haiti was finalized...American Idol alum Brooke White and husband Dave Ray welcomed their first child, daughter London...Jessica Simpson BFF CaCee Cobb has been called for godmother duty...No. 2 is on the way for Scott Wolf and wife Kelley...A shower helped Kristin Cavallari get ready for baby.
ENGAGED: Ace Young popped the question to Diana DeGarmo during the American Idol finale...Keira Knightley is planning to marry Klaxons keyboardist James Righton.
HOOKED UP: Jenny McCarthy is dating Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher...Aaron Sorkin is on Kristin Davis' arm now.
UNHOOKED: Katy Perry untethered herself from Florence + the Machine guitarist Robert Ackroyd.
TV LAND: Community's ex-showrunner, Dan Harmon, opens up about getting fired...Giuliana Rancic is going to keep on doing the many things she does for E! Entertainment for another three years...Smash sent a handful of stars packing...Grant Bowler (it's Connor from Ugly Betty and Cooter from True Blood) will play Richard Burton to Lindsay Lohan's Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime's Liz & Dick...A&E canceled Dog the Bounty Hunter after eight seasons...Stephen Colbert graced the Peabody Awards with his winning presence yet again...Kate Gosselin discusses possible TV comeback...10 fall pilots we can't wait for.
RECAPPED: Catch up on So You Think You Can Dance, Duets, Revenge, Glee, The Bachelorette, America's Got Talent, Mad Men, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, Celebrity Apprentice, Game of Thrones, Keeping Up With the Kardashians and Saturday Night Live.
SCREEN PLAY: The Avengers topped newcomers Battleship and What to Expect When You're Expecting (and everything else) at last weekend's box office...G.I. Joe: Retaliation's release date was bumped by almost a year...Check out the trailer for the Baz Luhrmann-directed, Leonardo DiCaprio-starring Great Gatsby...The first Skyfall trailer has landed...Get our reviews of Chernobyl Diaries, Moonrise Kingdom and Men in Black 3.
MUSICAL NOTES: Listen to "Celebrate," Whitney Houston's final recording with Jordin Sparks for Sparkle...Kanye West scored a leading seven nominations, most of them shared with Jay-Z, heading into the 2012 BET Awards.
HOSPITAL CORNER: Michael McKean suffered a broken leg when he was hit by a car on his way to perform on Broadway...Ray J was released from the hospital after doctors found no blood clots while treating him for exhaustion following a whirlwind jaunt to China...Elton John was hospitalized with a severe respiratory infection and canceled at least three shows at Caesars Palace...Health problem have forced 3 Doors Down guitarist Matt Roberts out of the band...Robin Quivers needs surgery to remove a large growth that's pressing against her bladder.
LAW & DISORDER: Amber Portwood has chosen jail rather than continue to try and kick her bad habits on the outside...Wilmer Valderrama sued for living noisily...How to Make Love Like a Porn Star author Jenna Jameson busted for DUI...Sharon Stone sued her kids' former nanny...Anne Hathaway's felonious ex, Raffaello Follieri has been released from federal prison...Transformers: Dark of the Moon extra left with brain damage settles personal-injury lawsuit for $18 million...Lane Garrison pleaded not guilty to battery and finally got bail...Amanda Bynes is due in court June 6...Melissa Etheridge and Tammy Lynn Michaels settled their custody beef...Brooke Mueller got probation for last year's Aspen drug bust...Gloria Allred is now being sued by John Travolta's accusers former lawyer...John Doe No. 2 turned out to be one John Truesdale of Georgia.
SURREAL ESTATE: Kelsey Grammer's pile of bricks in Holmby Hills is on the market for $18 million...Rent Leonardo DiCaprio's Malibu pad for $75,000 a month.
FAREWELL: Bee Gees brother Robin Gibb died at 62 after battling cancer and other health problems...Janet Carroll, character actress who played Tom Cruise's naive mom in Risky Business, died after a long illness at 71.