Cheryl Cole, Karolina Kurkova, Naomi Watts, Freida Pinto, Elena Lenina, Melissa George

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Help us out here: How do you say "fashion trainwreck" in French?

Sure, the 65th Cannes Film Festival featured a bevy of jaw-dropping, impeccably dressed beauties. But it also spewed out a fair share of ill-conceived fashions that took the wind out of the seaside shindig's sails.

Who were the fest's biggest offenders? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let's call in our fashion felons…

Oh, Cheryl Cole: Didn't anyone ever tell you? Never mix whites and colors in the wash! The British X Factor judge unloaded a massive clunker with this two-toned Laundromat experiment gone awry, from designer Stephane Rolland. The bottom half practically blends into the carpet, giving the sad illusion that David Copperfield made her legs disappear so he could keep them for posterity. Also, judging from that feathered train, we're not sure if this mermaid dress wants to fly or swim. Or sink.

As a supermodel, Karolina Kurkova certainly knows how to wear clothes. But can she pick 'em? Ponder that as you take in this head-scratching Roberto Cavalli number that manages to do the unthinkable: make the bombshell beauty look downright dowdy. Sure, the silhouette is classic, but the paillettes—coupled with the gown's icky color—make you wonder if she accidentally wore a marine net after it had dredged the bottom of the Côte d'Azur.

Naomi Watts is typically a clear vision of sleek panache. Call it shortsighted, then, that the Aussie stunner decided to channel a cotton ball with this lumpy-frumpy Marchesa gown. The top half, which looks like a misguided papier-mâché project, does nothing to highlight her gorgeous figure, while the gauzy skirt seems to have been spritzed with glue before picking up a few stray cotton balls along the way.

MORE: Cannes 2012—Sean Penn Shocks, but Who Else Stole the Spotlight?

Is it possible for someone to make both our best- and worst-dressed Cannes lists? That would be Freida Pinto, who brought the "wow" in a chartreuse Versace, but popped a "yowza" in this misguided Michael Angel gown. The bottom half's blush tone is lovely, but the dress as a whole, with its ill-placed peplum, robs the star of a flattering waistline. The bodice itself looks like it was swiped from some kid's arts-and-crafts class. We think we can make out a waterfall somewhere there. Or is that a riverbank?

Um, Tim Burton—we found that missing extra from your Alice in Wonderland shoot. Russian star Elena Lenina seemed to be gunning for Mad Hatter meets I Dream of Jeannie—minus any kind of sartorial magic. As for that stratospheric hair? Let's just hope she reads those "low clearance" signs before traveling under highway overpasses.

Note to Melissa George: The look is supposed to be "peek-a-boo"—not "peek-a-boo-boo." The star was clearly going for seduction with this sheer Calvin Klein ensemble, but the bodice's see-through paneling, coupled with the in-your-face bra underneath, seemed out-of-step with the fest's classy veneer. Hey, at least she's got half of a two-piece bikini should she decide to soak up some sun at the beach!

Who do you think totally missed the mark at Cannes? Sound off in the comments below!

PHOTOS: Cannes 2012—Star Sightings

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