Lindsay Lohan

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The hair! The pancake face! The shirt—we mean, the dress!

For us here at Fashion Police, Christmas has come in May, thanks to slut-Santa Lindsay Lohan and the getup she wore to the A&E 2012 Upfronts this week.

If this dress were any shorter we'd know where Terry Richardson's been staying whenever he's in town. (And now we know what the napkins look like in Beyoncé's dining room. Bonus!)

As for the uneven tanning, well...

We all know that the new star of Lifetime's upcoming Liz Taylor biopic Liz & Dick loves herself a good bake. What we didn't know is that you can now take your hair to the tanning bed too. Is there a new hair-bronzing product line in the works for LiLo? Something that guarantees that your coif will match your legs or your money back?

Finally: The face. Lindsay, honey, go to the drugstore—no, no, stay away from the prescription counter—and find the cosmetics aisle. L'Oreal has, seriously, 33 shades of face makeup alone; one of them has to match your skin. Do not come out of that drugstore until you find that shade. You're welcome.

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