Morning Mail! Chris Hemsworth for Fifty Shades of Grey?

Matthew Fox’s latest troubles plus Christain Grey’s casting continue to make readers nutty!

By Ted Casablanca May 08, 2012 12:09 PMTags
Chris HemsworthSplash News

Dear Ted:
What do you think about Chris Hemsworth (shorter 'do) and Eva Green for Fifty Shades of Grey casting?

Dear Good and Bad:
Eva's perfect, love that idea. Well, if this were made 10 years ago. Chris, eh, not so much. Granted, the Hemsworth bros are both super stunning, I just have to say there's a certain lack of personal heat with both of them (which is weird, considering the Miley Cyrus factor). For the über-sultry Christian Grey, we really do need a real-life darkness stud like Skarsgård or Somerhalder, I think.

Dear Ted:
Did you love SNL's Fifty Shades of Grey skit this weekend? I've not read the book but plenty of my "mommy" friends have, and it seemed pretty doggone spot-on!

Dear Hello?
That's because it was spot-on, hon. Sex-starved mommies around the world are uniting in horny revolt! Now what I don't understand is why their husbands aren't running to the rescue in droves. What man doesn't want to hear the words, "Honey I do not have a headache!"

Dear Ted:
Do we think Lucy Hale could pull off Anastasia? My husband thanks you for hooking me on another series.

Dear Mrs. Hooked:
Why's that, E? Does he want you kept busy for some reason? Not sure I understand. Regardless, I could be talked into Lucy, though I'm not sure she's perfect for the part. Can I ask you to try again? Is that OK?

Dear Ted:
What are we going to do about Matthew Fox? He's usually been relatively low on the public bad-behavior radar, but every time he makes headlines now, I worry the news is going to be a whole lot worse the next time. I don't want to see him self-destruct or harm others while he deals with whatever personal demons he seems to face.
—Concerned Fan and Citizen

Dear Fox Hunt:
Me neither, Concerned. I love Matthew, always have. And he's obviously going through a personal battle of some kind, as you've mentioned. Let's just hope he gets it together like Eva Mendes and Demi Lovato have, he really does need that next, fresh new chapter in his life.

Dear Ted:
I admit I have my favorite Vicers. Can you tell me what's going on with Veronica Bee-Stings, Jerry Rock-Butt and Shafterella Shoshtein?

Dear Pushy!
How's two out of three, OK? Veronica is very happy her stingers are settled permanently into one dude right now (and how) and Shafty could certainly say the same. Though, her bee-stings have never really been very impressive. But she sure can bite!

Dear Ted:
You've confounded me. You have indicated that both Twyla Babe-Sucker and Terry Tush-Trade are females. Who is more famous right now, as in has the most high-profile career? Do they both like other girls as well as guys? What do they think of each other? Love ya!

Dear Love Ya Back:
I don't think I've specified sex on both babes, have I? If so, I must have been in a self-involved drool session over Nevis Devine, because both Twyla and Terry have had their, uh…brushes with Nev. To answer your question, Terry is far more celebrated—at the moment.

Dear Ted:
Can you please explain to me why the Kentucky Derby is suddenly a Hollywood event?

Dear Makes Sense:
Because it—even in the slightest way—reeks of being quasi-royal, you know, that horse-race stuff (Royal Enclosure at Ascot, anyone?) And since Americans are so gaga for Prince William and Kate Middleton right now, it's the States' best attempt at creating a snooty celeb scene this side of the Atlantic.

Dear Ted:
I love The Awful Truth, but this is the first time I've emailed in. Is Traylor McMuff Jeremy Renner? Much love!

Dear Renner Cop:
Nice try! But not even close, hon. Think, uh, far beefier.

Dear Ted:
So, when are you getting your own show on E!? This needs to happen...pronto! Anyway, I read the Fifty Shades story way back when it was fan fiction and called Master of the Universe. At the time, I pictured Robert Pattinson in the role of Christian, however, we all know that won't happen. So today, I was trolling the web and came across photos and the trailer for the 2009 movie Dorian Gray and thought, "Maybe Dorian and Christian are related in an alternate universe?" I was blown away by the lead's gorgeousness and smoldering looks. Said lead is Ben Barnes who is most well know for being in The Chronicles of Narnia. What do you think of this casting choice?
—Your Friend in Sexy Smoldering Casting, Heidi

Dear Thanks but No Thanks:
Darling, appreciate the personal kudos, but we need a bit bigger name than cutie Ben, in my opinion.

Dear Ted:
Just a quick question, is Harriet Talons Julie Bowen?

Dear Wrong Everything:
Nope, not even close. Diff hair color, personality, cleavage and most importantly: circle of friends (Julie actually has one, unlike Harriet).