Alexander Skarsgard, Robert Pattinson, Ian Somerhalder

Courtesy: Gene Bradley; Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images; Jason Merritt/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
Christian Grey is supposed to turn heads when he walks into the room, and sorry, but Alexander Skarsgård just doesn't do it. Leave his shirt on and he's nothing more than what Macaulay Culkin should have looked like when he grew up! I'm not a huge fan of Ian Somerhalder and his creepy eyes, but he's more stunning than this guy. I actually picture Paul Wesley well in the role.

Dear Yep:
Me-ow! How deliciously be-yotchy of you. Well, good thing A.Skars would be in various states of undress for the majority of the movie, right? Then his six-pack will distract you from his…Home Alone-ness. As for the Vampire Diaries dudes, I think Ian has a better shot at getting the gig. If only because he has bigger name recognition.

Dear Ted:
Lily Collins
is a goody-goody, remember? She would never take a role like Anastasia Steele. Yeah, sure, I believe all of what I just said.

Dear Bad Girl Gone Worse:
What exactly are you implying, doll? That Lily isn't the pearly gem she appears to be?! Oh the horror! I'll say this much: I think she would love to take on a controversial project like this (she was rumored to be interested in getting her druggie on in The Evil Dead, after all), but Team Collins would forbid it!

Dear Ted:
How about Felicity Jones for Ana in Fifty Shades of Grey? She is the total package and has those lips that are so important to the character.

Dear Jonesing for Jones:
We die for Felicity—she was absolutely mesmerizing in Like Crazy. Which is why I want to say yes and see her explode over here, like a Kristen Stewart Part 2, but with S&M instead of vampire Mormonism. Do you thinks he'd ditch the highbrow drama for seedy red rooms, though?

Dear Ted:
I am in the throes of Fifty Shades of Grey and am loving every naughty, delicious moment. The only face for Christian that I picture is Matt Bomer's, despite his age. He embodies the smoldering, devastatingly good-looking qualities that are enough to make any red-blooded woman swoon! As for Ana, I see Rooney Mara as the perfect fit. Is she above this sort of role?

Dear Too Much of a Good Thing:
These two have certainly left their sexy mark on the box office—Rooney getting down and dirty in Girl With the Dragon Tattoo and Bomer bringing the heat in this summer's Magic Mike—but I can't quite see them attaching themselves to Fifty. Bomer's a good boy, and this isn't exactly the prestigious literature that a thespian like Rooney is inclined to do.

Dear Ted:
What does everyone think of Katharine McPhee as Ana? She's 28, but a young 28, and gaining popularity with Smash.

Dear Blonde Ambition:
Well there's no Bollywood number in Fifty Shades…so would she even be interested?!

Dear Ted:
The Awful Truth never mentions Robert Pattinson for Christian Grey anymore. He's the only one that can do this part. Plus, he has a sweet face. That's what makes him attractive, sort of the bad-boy-good-guy combo. The guys that look über-sexy are a turnoff. And I've seen both women and men turn and look at him, so that's a plus.

Dear Drop Those Pants, Pattz:
Well, of course Rob would be parfait for the part. And it would probably please most of his fans, right? But that might be the exact reason it will never happen, babe. And since there's plenty of other hottie vamps out there—is there any guy in T-town that hasn't jumped on the bloodsucking bandwagon?!—our time is better spent brainstorming on them.

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