Kyle Richards, Camille Grammer

Adam Olszewski/Bravo

Ain't no party like an embattled Beverly Hills Housewives party (except for maybe a New Jersey table-flipping soirée). But seriously, what's in the pricey bottled water they're all drinking?

Kyle Richards' annual White Party is the latest scene for the wackadoo drama on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills tonight—leading to some of our favorite pearls of wisdom this season. It's everything you wanted to know about life, via Rodeo Drive, starting with Adrienne Maloof...

"Friends don't threaten to sue friends."

Adrienne and Paul Nassif seem really P.O.'d about Russell Armstrong's email to Camille Grammer threatening to sue for the tea party intervention. Hey, if you can't gossip about your friends and neighbors without repercussion, what is the 90210 coming to?! 

They almost seem more offended than Camille, something that's going to come in handy when Kyle tries but fails to kick Russell and Taylor out of her party.

But it doesn't start out that way.

"Everyone's going to have to be a big girl and deal with it tonight."

Kyle doesn't want to deal with anyone's B.S. Not Taylor and Camille's, not her sister's boyfriend Ken's, or Kim's feud with Brandi Glanville. The lady just wants to enjoy her flowers, her chandeliers and all her pretty friends. And we're starting to sympathize—it's a lot of money and effort to stage your house for a Bravo battle royale. 

But despite Kyle's best efforts, Kim seems to be looking for a fight with Brandi no matter what. Except she wants daughters Whitney and Kimberly to do as mommy says, not as mommy does.

"Lets have a good time no matter what…if you feel a certain thing for somebody, you don't have to share it. Keep it to yourself, give it to God and not share it."

And above all else, don't threaten to break someone's leg or yank their hair out, stick your fingers in another woman's face and throw insults even as she's trying to apologize. Got that? Those are the things you shouldn't do.

The rest of the episode—at least, until the very last four minutes of the show—may as well be a split-screen musical montage.

Kyle crying. Taylor and Russell lovingly snuggling in the back of a limo. Kyle biting her nails. Taylor cooing that there are few people she would leave Vegas for and come to their party. Kyle, hubby  Mauricio Umansky, Adrienne, Paul and Lisa Vanderpump powwowing by the front door as they argue who should turn Russell and Taylor away. Therapy talk and smooching in the Armstong limo as they pull up to Kyle and Mauricio's house.

It's like watching lambs headed to slaughter as they greet the posse meeting them on the front lawn. Ruh-roh. Don't Russell and Taylor know that a welcoming party is never a good sign? Anything but a waiter with a tray of champagne is a sign to run!

Kyle gets just enough out to let Russell know that Camille is inside and has been instructed by her lawyers to steer clear of him before she starts heaving.

But that's OK, Adrienne seems to have been waiting for her chance to commandeer the conversation. "What she's trying to say is, it's not a good idea. Camille's in there, she's very upset, I don't think this is the right time for all of you to be together."

Russell and Taylor still don't seem to be catching on, so Paul spells it out for them: "You guys should go." 

At this point Kyle should just keep her mouth shut and thank her lucky stars that Adrienne and Paul are taking charge. Instead, she runs after the limo to apologize to Taylor and engage in one of the season's most awkward conversations about who-said-what until Russell literally has to beg her, "Just let us go."

Should Kyle have turned Russell and Taylor away or let Camille handle it herself? Were Adrienne and Paul being overly paranoid about the threat of a lawsuit? Is Lisa's about-face concern for Taylor just too unnerving? Should Kim have cut Brandi some slack? And is Dana the most redundant (not to mention boob-grabbing, money-bragging) Housewife ever? Weigh in on tonight's fete-gone-wrong fiasco in the comments below!

PHOTOS: Before They Were Housewives

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