Ashton Kutcher, Kim Kardashian, Dakota Fanning, Heavy D, Justin Bieber

Chime; AP Photo; Courtesy of Marc Jacobs; FilmMagic; Splash News

Was this past week only seven days long?

Surely many a fortnight has passed since Kim Kardashian announced she was getting divorced and Justin Bieber was accused of being a dad!

No? Well, that still doesn't explain the positively jam-packed week in the celebuworld just past...

KEEPING UP: While her family was going through the on-camera motions, Kim Kardashian went to Minnesota to talk things out with ex-hubby-to-be Kris Humphries. She touched down briefly in L.A. to regroup and then jetted off to Atlanta to shoot the new Tyler Perry movie. Kris, meanwhile, isn't trying to rock the boat and has secured a lawyer to help him cross his t's and dot his i's. (Or at least to make sure he signs on all the dotted lines.)

BABY WOE: Now really isn't the time to be accidentally dropping trou. Justin Bieber has agreed to take a DNA test to clear up an allegation that he fathered a child with a now-20-year-old who says she had a backstage encounter with the Biebs last year. Well, Mariah Yeater sure does have a baby.

FLAGGED: Ashton Kutcher, one of Twitter's original settlers, admitted that he is too busy to tweet without supervision after rushing to bash the firing of longtime Penn State football coach Joe Paterno before reading past the headline to find out that JoPa is accused of doing nothing when faced with evidence that one of his assistant coaches was a predatory pedophile. It's OK, Ashton, you're not stupid. You're just not as much smarter than everyone else as you thought you were.

SAD TYME: Heavy D, who just last month performed at the Michael Jackson tribute concert and the BET Hip-Hop Awards, died suddenly at the age of 44. An autopsy will determine the cause, but in the meantime fans will have a chance to honor the hitmaker at a public memorial in New York. Tyrese Gibson talked to E! News about missing the hip-hop trailblazer.

DEFLOWERED: Though she's not the only one to pose for Marc Jacobs perfume with a flower blooming between her little knees, Dakota Fanning at 17 is the youngest—and therefore the ad was cited for being too provocative and banned in Britain.

READ: You're Not Alone, Dakota! Five Other Banned Ads

BABY SHOWER: Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are expecting No. 20. Nothing about that sentence feels right...Shayne Lamas and hubby Nik Richie welcomed daughter Press Dahl...Nia Long and beau Ime Udoka welcomed son Kez Sunday...Dylan Walsh welcomed daughter Amelie Belle...Meet Ali Landry's son, Marcelo...Jessica Simpson loves being pregnant...Katy Perry talks family planning...Forget pre-baby! Mariah Carey's got her 1995 body back!

WEDDING BELLS: Not ringing just yet for Evan Rachel Wood and Jamie Bell...The Real Housewives of Atlanta's Kim Zolciak-Biermann tied the knot with football player Kroy Biermann.

UNHITCHING POST: Holly Marie Combs filed for divorce from David Donoho after seven years of marriage...Jaime Pressly is officially divorced...Haylie Duff and Nick Zano broke up after about three years.

OSCAR GOLD: Best drama already goes to Brett Ratner, who had to step down from producing the 84th Academy Awards because he couldn't edit out the anti-gay slur he used in a radio interview, and Eddie Murphy, who had only agreed to host if Ratner drove. Enter stage right-on: Billy Crystal and Brian Grazer.

ROYAL FLUSH: Pippa Middleton is reportedly single again...Prince William and Kate Middleton hosted a black-tie benefit at St. James' Palace for the National Memorial Arboretum Appeal...Will will deploy to the Falkland Islands in February...Whoever designed the collectible Pippa and Kate dolls should spend some time in the stocks...Kate and Will decide on Kensington Palace as their permanent London residence.

POTTERHEADS: We're livestreaming from the DVD release party for Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter in Orlando tonight at 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT. But you can tour Hogwarts and Ollivander's Wand Shop right now!

READ: The Best Harry Potter Movie Moment Ever

SCREEN PLAY: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 could be tops at the 2012 People's Choice Awards...Morgan Freeman will get the Cecil B. DeMille Award at the 2012 Golden Globes...Kate Winslet immortalized in wax...Read our reviews of Immortals, Jack and Jill (Is it the worst movie ever?) and J. Edgar. Plus, read what's already being written about The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn.

TRAILER PARK: Kristen Stewart is no mere damsel in distress in Snow White and the Huntsman.

FAREWELL: Veteran 60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney died at 92 after being hospitalized with complications following surgery.

TV LAND: Khloé Kardashian Odom thought Saturday Night Live's parody was hilarious...Scandal on Survivor: South Pacific...Paula Abdul is down to one group on The X Factor...Weeds gets an eighth season...MTV delivers Teen Mom 2's second season in December...Howard Stern in talks to replace Piers Morgan on America's'Got Talent...Vienna Girardi and Kasey Kahl deny that they've broken up...SPOILER ZONE!

RECAPVILLE: Follow the redux road to Grey's Anatomy, America's Next Top Model: All-Stars, American Horror Story, Survivor: South Pacific, Glee, Dancing With the Stars, Gossip Girl, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

LAW & DISORDER: Lindsay Lohan went to jail for a few hours...Brody Jenner filed a police report after he and Avril Lavigne got caught up in a violent bar brawl...Andy Samberg and NBC sued over a couple of Saturday Night Live digital shorts...Ousted director Julie Taymor sued producers over Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark royalties...Matthew Fox sued the bus driver who's suing him...Ryan Merriman busted for DUI.

MUSICAL NOTES: Taylor Swift named Entertainer of the Year at the Kardashian-spoofing 2011 CMA Awards...A streaker stole the show at the MTV Europe Music Awards...Kanye West and Jay-Z serenaded the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show...Shakira named Latin Recording Academy Person of the Year at the 2011 Latin Grammy Awards...Jamie Lynn Spears performed original tunes at the Rutledge in Nashville...Ewan McGregor sang and played guitar at a charity event at the London West Hollywood.

SURREAL ESTATE: Rihanna is trying to unload her Beverly Hills money pit for $4.5 million.

AILING: Zsa Zsa Gabor hospitalized again with internal bleeding, but is expected to recover after surgery...Matthew James Thomas, the latest Peter Parker in Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark was, you guessed it, injured in a backstage accident...A crewmember on the Wizard from Deadliest Catch was hospitalized in Alaska...Adele underwent throat surgery in Boston...Kelly Osbourne needed a hospital trip after banging her head at a Miami club.

GALLERY: You be the judge of the stars' styles in Fashion Police

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