Rooney Mara

Jason LaVeris/FilmMagic

Dear Ted:
Did you even read the Rooney Mara article in Vogue? She sounded like David Fincher's 5-year-old daughter, basically doing whatever he told her...down to what she eats. How is that badass in any way, shape or form? Wow, she effed up her bangs, that's now the new standard for being a maverick? I would have paid money to watch Kristen Stewart respond to Fincher if he told her what she was allowed to eat.

Dear Read It and Weep:
Sorry to break your Krisbian heart, but she'd listen to him. That's what K.Stew would do if David Fincher wanted her to mind her diet for a role. She's a professional and knows—just like Rooney—that the director is a perfectionist. She also knows that working with him these days is the fast way to garner Oscar buzz.

Dear Ted:
What's the deal with Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr? I saw him gushing about her and their baby on Chelsea Lately, and it got me thinking. Is their marriage for real?

Dear Till Vice Do Us Part:
Orli's got a packed schedule these days, what with his wifey, his baby and a Vice to boot. But that doesn't mean the supermodel and her movie star hubby aren't keeping it real with each other. They most certainly are.

Dear Ted:

With Zachary Quinto coming out, I gotta ask, is he Toothy? And if not, does Toothy have the same hair color as Zach?

Dear The Boys Club:
Where've you been, babe? I already told ya that Zachary is our hunky Kirk Dogmatic. But Toothy has a similar hair color to Z.Q. most days.

Dear Ted:
I'm still wondering about a Blind Vice from this summer. Have not seen any updates on Debbie Doobie?! I have my suspicions, but was hoping you had a few more tidbits on this babe. I think this one is known for her singing, but does she dance too?

READ: Blind Vice! Secret Stoner Star Turns to Blow!

Dear Debbie Does L.A.:
Wrong and wrong, doll. Sorry, but Deb is known far more for her so-so acting chops than she is for any tune she may or may not be able to carry. Funny enough, her best acting is in her day-to-day life—as she has everyone thinking she's not a total mess.

Dear Ted:
Have to point out the obvious here. I was reading your "Five Ways the World Would Be Different Without Twilight" and I must say, outside of the lack of Robsten, you picked all the wrong ones! First, vampires would still be in (remember that thing called Buffy?) but they would have more backbone than these spineless twerps.

Dear Call Your Buff:
Buffy, while awesome and totally kickass, didn't spawn a vampire craze when the movie first came out in the '90s, nor did the TV show, for that matter. Sure, Twilight didn't invent vampires, but it definitely made them the huge, pop-culture phenom they are now.

Dear Ted:
We know Saucy Bossy and Chutney Jones have worked together in the past, but have Saucy Bossy and Jerry Rock-Butt ever worked together? Would you consider Saucy and Jerry friends, and if so I can't imagine Jerry being happy about their hookup even if it was during his break with Chutney.
—Just Curious

Dear Boys Will be Boys:
No. No. And he definitely would not be.

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