Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher

Chris Polk/FilmMagic

Dear Ted:
Why is it that when news of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher's possibly troubled marriage hit the press, both the media and public automatically assumed it was an age issue? Where was all that speculation concerning the breakups of Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris or even Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio? Why in the 21st century is it still OK to label gals cougars when they date younger guys but no one thinks twice when old dudes hook up with much younger women?

Dear Daily Double Standard:
Is it that shocking that chicks still get picked on more in this town than dudes? It's lame, but par for the tabloid course. I'll tell you this tho, B, the extra years Demi has on Ashton didn't factor into their current troubles—at least, not necessarily in the way you'd think.

Dear Ted:
Now that Jared Padalecki has announced that his wife is pregnant, I'm even more curious to know what his Blind Vice is. Any hint, pretty please?

Dear Papa Pad:
Let's just say, daddy duty is going to seriously cut down on his time to get Vicey.

Dear Ted:
It's nice to see Jake Gyllenhaal take a break once in a while. He's as hard working as anyone. I'm not Jake-aholic like most women, but I like to read about what he is up to. He's a good-looking guy who is getting better with age.

Dear Like a Bottle of Wine:
It's not just the women who are Jake-aholics, babe. Not by a long shot. But I totally agree.

Dear Ted:
I know you won't print this, but I'd just like to say that the lack of balls you have shown since you met Danneel Harris has been appalling. Once upon a time, you said that Jared and Jensen would marry each other sooner than they would marry their current wives. Now you couldn't be more sycophantic when it comes to either couple. Disappointing.

Dear Get Over It:
Jared and Jensen proved me wrong and married chicks instead of each other. One of these gal's been nice enough to tell me all about itand I listened. What, you want me to bitch-slap her instead?

Dear Ted:
With Lindsay Lohan's latest frightening photos sporting brown and busted teeth, do you still think she can pull off gorgeous and semi-lucid for the Valley of the Dolls remake? Yikes. Talk about a time bomb. She's skating into Amy Winehouse territory in the ruined looks department.

Dear Four Out of Five Dentists Are Terrified:
You're right, babe. WTF happened to her and to her teeth?! I hate to be harsh—love Linds and think she could be megatalented—but holy crap, right? I still think she could (maybe) pull of Dolls though. She just needs to get some whitening and a little reconstruction first.

Dear Ted:
In a recent mail batch you mentioned something about Penn Badgely kissing Zoey Kravitz. I have a few questions: Are Zoey and Michael Fassbender broken up? Penn Badgley needs to get back with Blake! They were so unique and cute. I like when pretty girls have average guys. Not that he isn't wicked hot, because he is.

Dear Fassen Your Seatbelt:
It's always been casual between Penn and Zoey...and Zoey and Fass. So what's a smooch here and there? As for Penn and his Gossip Girl glamazon costar, it's so over. Blake is looking for a movie star these days, not a boob-tube dude.

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