Chuck Lorre, Charlie Sheen

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The creator of Two and a Half Men promised he would write a tell-all about Charlie Sheen, so where is it?
—California Mick, via the inbox

Well, Chuck Lorre just hinted at the tell-all a few days ago, so give the man some time to find an underpaid ghost writer, jeez.

As for whether we will actually see this screed on Sheen (my God, there's more going on than tiger blood and fighting with warlocks?), don't hold your breath...

Because, at the same time that Lorre put up that titillating vanity card at the end of his sitcom, Warner Bros., the company behind Two and a Half Men, announced a financial settlement relating to Sheen's ouster from the show. Specifically, the company said that it, Lorre and Sheen had settled their $100 million worth of differences and would now commence to shut up.

"Warner Bros. Television, Chuck Lorre and Charlie Sheen have resolved their dispute to the parties' mutual satisfaction," the statement read. "The pending lawsuit and arbitration will be dismissed as to all parties.  The parties have agreed to maintain confidentiality over the terms of the settlement."

According to attorneys, the "confidentiality" sometimes stretches beyond the details of who gets what money.

"The agreement could say, ‘You can't talk about the particular terms of the settlement, and you cant make derogatory statements about each other," says E. Barry Haldeman, attorney with Jeffer, Mangels, Butler & Mitchell. "Whenever I've done agreements like this I always try to put language like that in."

But why? Feuds are so much fun! They bring in free publicity, right?

Well, yes, but not necessarily the kind that Warner Bros. would want, Haldeman tells me.

"It's about money, but also about reputation," Haldeman tells me. "There may have been a lot of things that Sheen did, for example, which not everybody knew about, and he's trying to be a good guy now and sell a new show."

And Warner Bros. would like to keep selling reruns of Two and a Half Men. If people hear even more terrible things about Sheen, they may decide, once and for all, they don't like him, costing the suits money.

Still, this is all speculation. Only a few people know the exact flavor of gag that Lorre and Sheen are under, and until we hear of a publishing deal, we'll assume that money trumped Lorre's need to blab.

MARVEL! The Mind of Charlie Sheen!

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