Robert Pattinson

Chelsea Lauren/WireImage

Dear Ted:
I love Robert Pattinson I've never followed a celeb as closely as him. Is he having trouble getting another gig?

Dear Life Goes On:
Can't stand the thought of life after Twilight? You're not alone. Don't sweat it—R.Pattz will be hitting the big screen in 2012 with his just-wrapped flick Cosmolis. Did you really think he was gonna let Jacob steal his spotlight for long? And let's get something clear right now: The quirky David Cronenberg movie is most likely not going to rake ‘em in, so don't expect box-office gold right away. However, Water For Elephants did make a very tidy sum, ultimately.

Dear Ted:
Loved your latest article on canine killer extraordinaire, Michael Vick! Yes, he did his time, but that doesn't mean that animal lovers everywhere have to forget his crimes against those innocent pooches. Speaking of the voiceless innocent, I was wondering: Are there any children involved in the sad state of affairs between Carol Anne Sausage-Snatcher and her fed-up hubby?

Dear Voiceless Vice:
No, not at this point, I'm happy to say.

Dear Ted:
I wish athletes who mistreat women were reviled as much [as Michael Vick].

Dear Touche:
Couldn't have said it better. Not to mention how quickly some women's accusations of unfair treatment are swept away. Like those masseuses who accused Brett Favre and others of inappropriate behavior. Poof! Gone!

Dear Ted:
I was pleasantly surprised to hear about Sean Maher's coming out yesterday. It seems refreshingly unusual for an actor who has recently had an upswing in visibility to make this kind of announcement. Have any Vices been brought to the light of day or was Sean never on your radar?

Dear Oh, Please:
Sean's in a committed relationship and has kids, you got the wrong idea entirely. And I realize having a family doesn't necessarily mean bupkes, but that's really more of a heterosexual caveat at this point—as gays are so new to married life, most of ‘em are taking it far more seriously than their straight counterparts. So far.

Dear Ted:
Which celeb(s) has/have the most psychotic/delusional fans? I'm guessing Robsten, by far.

Dear Fan-actic:
Close, it's a tie with Michael Jackson

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