Afternoon Bitch-Back! Did Jake Gyllenhaal Just Tie the Knot?!

Readers wonder if the actor married his costar Anna Kendrick in Vegas

Dear Ted:
Why is Jake Gyllenhaal wearing what appears to be a wedding ring in the photos of him with Anna Kendrick taken outside a Subway shop? Did Jake sneak into a wedding chapel on that trip to Las Vegas, and if so, is Anna the lucky lady?
—Single Ladies put a ring on it

Dear Bride Groom:
Yep, and Anna's knocked up with a little Jakey-poo Jr. on the way! Please, don't make me laugh. Anna and Gylley are strictly platonic, in all senses. And Jake is hardly ready to walk down the aisle. The only thing hot and heavy that day was a toasted turkey sub.

Dear Ted:
I thought that the new picture of Ali Lohan was a mistake at first, but I guess it's real. She has obviously altered her looks. It's heartbreaking. Dina Lohan is the biggest loser and crappiest mother on the planet. That girl isn't even 18, is she? When I saw Lindsay's "new" look I was disturbed, but Ali is way beyond the pale. I think there should be a new federal law against sucky mothers.
—Miss P

Dear Mommy Dearest:
You're telling me, babe. Isn't Dina just the worst? But while experts in nipping and tucking say otherwise, the Lohan family is sticking to its goss guns that Ali is au naturel. But can you blame the wannabe model for being the talk of the tabloids? Her role models are all either drunk, insane or both.

Dear Ted:
Do you have something on Chris Evans? I love superheroes.
—Betsy

Dear Aye, Aye Captain:
I adore Chris and his chiseled chest, too, B. Which is why I'm thrilled to report that I know a few very juicy (tho only slightly scandalous) secrets that Chris wants kept under cover. Wonder if they'll stay that way...

Dear Ted:
Loved the article on N.Y., very well said. Speaking of the great place, my fave NYC show, Gossip Girl, resumes shortly, so I was wondering if you could answer a question on exactly how Vicey the cast is. I know you've confirmed Blake Lively and Chace Crawford as Vicers, but are there any others amongst the cast?
—Emma

Dear XOXXX:
Blake and Chace's naughty (and I do mean naughty) monikers aren't enough for you, E? These two have created some drama that would boggle even the fictional, muy mysterious Gossip Girl's brains. Otherwise, nope. Their costars have remained moniker free. Well, except for Ed Westwick, of course.

Dear Ted:
You are nothing more than a liar. You said Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were the real deal and that they are not PR or a showmance, and yet you just had your Truth, Lies & Ted video where you called them a showmance. So what you're saying is that you are nothing but a liar. At least now I know for sure not to believe anything you talk about. I am off to Perez Hilton. He at least is real unlike you and does not change his mind. Yes he is crazy, but he has more class than you.
—Patty

Dear Patricia:
Your mother's calling. She wants the drugs you took from her purse back because they're causing you to see things, like me having said Rob and Kristen were pulling a showmance. I said—and will always continue to say—the opposite. They're real. Enjoy Perez.