Hilary Duff

Duffy-Marie Arnoult/WireImage

Dear Ted:
What's your take on Hilary Duff's pregnancy? Do you think this was planned? I think she was too young to get married, let alone get pregnant! Yet again, it is Hollywood, so not much should be surprising!

Dear Baby Bumpin':
Why not start a fam with her hubby? She doesn't have a lot of career commitments, so she's got plenty of time to do mama duty. And it's hardly that surprising. She isn't one of those 16 and Pregnant Girls. She's old enough to pop out an offspring or two. Cut Lizzie McGuire some slack! We say congrats, Hil!

Dear Ted:
Do you have anything new on Henrietta Hardball? Has her husband been practically outed lately?

RELATED: Hilary Duff Is Going to Be a Mom!

Dear Blue Balled:
Nope, Elijah Schwad is as trapped in his loveless marriage as ever, and Henrietta covers up any of his same-sex indiscretions while getting her smug mug plastered on whatever paper she can. I'm actually surprised their charade has lasted this long. Guess Henrietta is craftier than I ever thought.

Dear Ted:
Why does Jennifer Aniston pose topless on everything from magazine covers to perfume bottles to ads for water? She has a great shape for her age, but shouldn't she put a little less effort into taking her clothes off and a little more effort into getting roles that don't involve chasing a man?

Dear Boob Tube:
Haven't you heard the saying, "If you got it, flaunt it"? ‘Cause Jenny definitely has it, so kudos to her for showing it off. Why not? And she doesn't seem to be having a hard time on the big screen, babe. While you may not like her par-tick taste in rom-coms, Jennifer is laughing herself to the bank with each picture.

Dear Ted:
Just wondering if your joke about a restraining order from Jake Gyllenhaal was really a jab or a clue? Is Jakey one of the Blind Vicers? Perhaps the Blind Vicer with Hildago Van Buren? Also, Cruella St. Shackles...Is it Fergie? I'm curious!

Dear Out of the Loop:
Where the heck have you been, T? Of course Jakey-poo is a Blind Vicer—he's in the friggin' Hall of Fame, too! But he is not Hildago or Hildy's hump-happy friend. And Cruella is not Ferg, either, but better guess on that one. Tho, the thought of Cruella in any sort of Latex cat suit makes me want to barf.

Dear Ted:
I've agreed with some of your blolumns and disagreed openly with some others. So I won't pretend to care that Kim Kardashian has opted to not have you as part of her wedding. I am sorry, however, that quite obviously your feelings got hurt in the process. To me, the Kardashians are everything I dislike about the "television arts." But all public figures, most specifically the T-town ones, had to sell their soul to the devil, so to speak. Have Kim or any of the Kardashian family members ever been a Blind Vicer? I'll gladly invite you to my wedding...if I ever have one! Fromage!

Dear Tiny Violin:
Oh, Rita, you're usually so on the ball. But I'll blow up some balloons and throw you a pity party, too, and tell you that yes, at least one member of the Dash fam has made their way into my monikered mania.

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