Blind Vice Single Guy

Dear Ted:
I'm on to you, Ted. I haven't forgotten Chubby Asparagus from way back when. Maybe you forgot he was Chubby though and made him a Cubby, no? Totally love how you're mixing up the Blinds on us. I'm thinking Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin.

Dear Best Secretary Ever:
Nice try, doll. With so many dirty little B.V. names circling around, don't you know that some of them are going to become related by a few degrees of separation (but with nearly exact life stories in play)? Hence Cubby and Chubby Asparagus. Sorry, Cubs ain't Chris, and Chubs and Cubs are two different mid-life dudes. Does that clear the fog?

Dear Ted:
Does Natalie Portman's boyfriend Benjamin Millepied have any Vices? And do you think they really will get married?

MORE: Blind Vice: Another Celeb Duo About to Bust?

Dear Bad Ballerina:
Try fiancé. Although knowing Nat, the dancing duo's probably already hitched. And after the dramz that went down with Ben's ex's friend, aka Natalie's Swan double, there are def some Vices in the closet.

Dear Ted:
I've just seen Horrible Bosses, and Jennifer Aniston looked drop-dead gorgeous. Do you think there will ever be equally gorgeous Aniston offspring? Would be a shame for those genes to be lost forever.

Dear Joffspring:
I like the way you think, ‘cause Jen and Justin Theroux babes would be the cutest kids ever. We're trying to let Jen make those decisions though. Patience, oh how I hate it.

Dear Ted:
Regarding Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio. That giant sun hat she wears when they are out isn't really "incognito," am I right?!

Dear Bogus Bashfulness:
Ugh, so right! Girl wants to be seen, trust. Now that her movie's premiered and all, she's slowed her little pap appearances quite a bit tho. Suddenly shy, Blake?

Dear Ted:
So Nick Jonas and Delta Goodrem still seem to be going strong. Are they really as sweet as they look?

Dear Happy Cougar and Cub:
What can I say? Adorbs, for now at least.

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