Summit Entertainment

Dear Ted:
I dabble in time travel upon occasion and I'm thinking of taking a quick tour of the mid-'80s through the mid-'90s to prevent the birth of Shia LaBeouf, Alex Pettyfer, the respective casts of Twilight and Glee and Selena Gomez (best not to inquire about my methods). This would free up a lot of space here at the Awful Truth and I'm hoping the altered-universe Ted Casablanca will use this to give me some tidbits about the talented and hot William Fichtner. My question is this: Is this a good use of my powers or are you likely to become obsessed with any actors who play those sappy, sorry, compelling lovers in the Twilight series? If so, I'll go back further and prevent the birth of Stephenie Meyer, but the clothes in the early '70s were really tragic and I'd prefer not to have to wear them if I can avoid doing so.

Dear Will-Obsessed:
Oh, Di, I appreciate you're creative take, but this isn't the first time you've written about the dear Fichtner, is it? He's boring, sorry. And I like a lot of those celebs you're hatin' on girl! Some of them, not so much, but I won't name names.

Dear Ted:

You know what would make True Blood even hotter? Casting Jason Momoa in the role of Quinn, a supremely hot and very feared ultimate fighter who happens to be also a weretiger in the Stackhouse books, who of course, falls for Sookie (Anna Paquin). Allow me to be tacky and tell you that quite honestly, I Momoaaan at the sight of Jason Momoa's backside in Game of Thrones. So could you imagine lucky Sookie surrounded by the ultimate naked, drool-worthy trio of all time: Alexander Skarsgård, Joe Manganiello and Momoa? I think I've just fainted a bit from heatstroke.
—Rita, Montreal

Dear Blood-y Brilliance:
Love, and here's why: They're totally missing an ethnic Hawaiian hottie to round out Sookie's obsessors! The only objection I have is he can't ever have those dreadlocks appear again. He has to abolish them forever to compete with Skars, Mang and Stephen Moyer. Yes, I'm still holding on to the Sook's original supernatural love. I can hope, right?

Dear Ted:
Why hasn't Lamar Odom been arrested yet on manslaughter charges in that hit and run? Did Mama Kris pull a Hulk Hogan and pay off the victim's family?

Dear Story Spun Outta Control:
? Lamar was in the backseat, babe. A motorcycle cut in front of his car and got hit, then swerved into the 15-year-old who eventually died. Really horrible situation, hon, but don't make it worse with those kind of accusations.

Dear Ted:
Is Debbie Doobie another Disney princess gone bad? Me thinks this reeks of Mouse.

Dear Mouse Trap:
This is a Mickey-free munchkin.

Dear Ted:
Why is there a picture of Eva Longoria under the Poll: Who should Jennifer Lopez Date? Don't you guys have an editor who checks to make sure they put the right picture in?

Dear Bad Editor:
Hello? Reread the story, and then get back to me.

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