Rosie Huntington-Whiteley / Splash News

Dear Ted:
Wait, did you just out Rosie Huntington-Whiteley as Morgan Mayhem last week? I've never even heard of her before now. I was thinking M.M. would be someone more talented...or famous. Maybe I should go back under my rock..

Dear A Rosie by Any Other Name:
Talented? Debatable. But the real Morgan is certainly more famous than RHW, which means that, no, babe, I didn't spill the Morgan Mayhem beans. Rosie has a Vice all right, but Rosie's monikered mania isn't as infamous as M2's. Kinda funny how Vice imitates life, huh?

Dear Ted:
So King Schlong spends most his day sexting. What are the odds that we're gonna eventually get some juicy photos out of this one? Or his he too savvy to send anything more than words?

RELATED: Blind Vice: King Schlong Is a Texter Molester Behind His Girlfriend's Back

Dear Sext Star:
While I'm a wee bit surprised none of his many babes have leaked a few of his racy texts to the tabloids (yet). I don't think you'll get the crotch shot you're so hoping for. The King knows what a big star he is and how much peeps in the tabloid biz would pay to see his junk, so he's not stupid enough to tempt one of his many temptresses with that offer.

Dear Ted:
Saw your piece about Bridesmaids and wanted to thank you for reminding us all that females still have many glass ceilings to smash in Hollywood. As for a sequel I would like to see them step away from weddings completely and do Godmothers. Of course after the wedding the next big step is baby, and I think it would be hilarious to see these women try to prove they have what it takes to care for a baby and have the right to be called "The Godmother." Any thoughts?

Dear Chucklin' Chick:
Love the idea, babe. Sure the baby-mama drama has kinda been done with SNL funny ladies—just check out Baby Mama, duh—but I think Kristen Wiig could put a new spin on it. And then we definitely wouldn't have to worry that the film would just repeat all the same jokes—it'd be totally new material for the franchise!

Dear Ted:
I'm down in Argentina, freezing my bum (polar wave is striking the country) and I get all the comfort from your column. Did Toothy Tile and his baby daddy work together in a movie? And does Blake Lively have a Vice of her own, or is she a secondary player in someone else's? My frozen brain thanks you for the gossip!

Dear South by Southwest:
I won't cry for you, Argentina, but I will hope things warm up for you, doll. As for your Vice questions: yes and yes. C'mon, you don't really think Blakey would have earned herself a Blind Vice Superstars spot by just being a supporting player in somebody else's Vice, do you?

Dear Ted:
I guess The Hunger Games will be like Harry Potter: good movies, but nobody really cares about the real actors. Even though I doubt they will get as much recognition and money as H.P., maybe they'll get Twilight's hype. But the script isn't really that original. It's been made a couple of times before. And it's not really a teen franchise, I mean, after the first movie, all the young actors will be dead. And the books are kind of repetitive. So they will need to change a lot of it to keep people interested...What do you think? I really doubt you'll answer this question, I mean, you've been ignoring everything that says something remotely negative about H.G.

Dear Hunger Hater:
Don't get crabby on me, K. I'll answer Q's for H.G. haters and lovers alike. While it definitely looks like Jennifer Lawrence and her castmates are taking the more Potter-esque route behind the scenes (i.e. less drama, more, ya know, working), I wouldn't cast them off as totally boresville. Just you wait, babe. As for the flicks, I'm sure they'll make a few creative changes from page to screen, but the books were huge hits. I think the movies will be as well.

Dear Ted:
So if Fey Oiled-Tush isn't getting it on with his beard, then they must not have children, right? Or is that part of the bearding deal now? I can't imagine people having kids together just for show.

Dear Child Services:
There's a lot that goes down in this town that I'm sure seems totally cuckoo crazy to noncelebs. And trust, there are plenty of Vicing couples that will go far beyond popping out a few babies to make their sitch look legit. As for Fey, I'm not saying if he's spawned or not, but there are plenty of ways to procreate without hitting the sheets.

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