Vroom, vroom!

Toddler & Tiaras revved its engines to the Indianapolis Cars and Stars Pageant, where little darlings vied for the checkered-flag crown.

Fasten you seatbelts, folks, and let's discuss what went down in tonight's bumpy ride...

Out of the Mouths of Babes: Mom Lori first dismisses daughter Alaska's Nordic good looks as "cookie-cutter," then proceeds to advise her dancing 8-year-old with this gem: "You're not a stripper, but shake your butt a little bit." The best part is Al's reply: "Why would you even say that?!" Ha! Further props to Alaska for later sagely noting, "You are one of the crazy moms."

Fairy Glitzmother: At first we were annoyed with nail technician Debbie for ragging on little Olivia's semi-glitz styling, but then she lent the 7-year-old a free cupcake dress to compete in. Awww, truly sweet.

Breakfast of Champions: Caylee's gigglefest after getting all hopped up on her morning Mountain Dew was too cute—and contagious. We're still laughing!

Mommie and Daddy Dearest: Lori and hubby-to-be Jay's blatant preference for 5-year-old son Braxton over daughter Alaska breaks our hearts. They think the three words that best describe Braxton are "beautiful beyond words," but Alaska's are "pain in ass"? Well, we have some choice words for you too, folks! Can you guess what they are?

Instant Car-Ma: Aaand the joke's on them! "Giraffe" Alaska wins Mini Supreme while golden child Braxton only scores Centerfold Supreme—a title that just sounds skeevy to us.

Lightening McQueen for a Day: Li'l 5-year-old laugher Caylee nabs Cover Model Supreme, and country cutie Olivia takes the Grand Supreme crown. Guess she has her Fairy Glitzmother to thank for that one!

So did the right little diva win? Wanna tell Alaska she now has some supporters? Give us your own three words—or many more—in the comments!

WATCH: Cutie Caylee cracks us up

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