Barack Obama, Sasha Obama, Michelle Obama

AP Photo/Evan Vucci

Dear Ted:
I assume that no one was all that shocked when the Bill Clinton cheating on Hillary scandal broke, but it got me to thinking. The Obamas look so happy and solid together, I think I'd be devastated to discover that there are problems there. Please tell me I can rest assured that Barack Obama and Michelle Obama are all that they seem?

Dear Presidential Problem:
They've got a lot on their plates—what with running the friggin' country for B and hitting the social scene (always for a good cause, of course) and fashionista mom duties for M—but they're totally a team. Don't fret, our American royalty is Oval Office-scandal free. No blue dresses here!

Dear Ted:
Between the three, seemingly sweet and simple EmmasRoberts, Watson, and Stone—who's the Viciest at this moment, and who has the greatest potential to join the ranks of B.V. Superstars?

Dear Triple Trouble:
Hmmm. We think it's little miss Emma Roberts. She's got the famous family to learn from, after all. Then there's Emma Stone who's sooooo mum about her personal life, but it's obvious the girl can land any man in T-town that she wants. That spells dirty little secrets to us.

Dear Ted:
When it comes to Baby Tile, I'm confused. How exactly do Toothy Tile and Grey Goose share a child? I'm guessing it's more complicated than a typical parental split. And surely someone would have spotted them with the same kid by now. And who exactly is taking care of Baby Tile while Toothy and Grey are off being stars and covering their Vicey tracks? They should just come out already, Baby Tile and all!

Dear Lil' T:
C'mon, J, don't you know the gay way? Surrogate, babe! It's the swankiest way to spawn these days. As for the Baby T, well, there's around-the-clock nanny care. But that's just a H'wood thing. Lots of celebs get that perk.

Dear Ted:
What's your take on Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux...are they really a couple? I haven't seen any pics of them together, but the media has them living together and adopting puppies. Is it true?

Dear Picture Perfect:
Total couple. J.T.'s pals have even dished that things are getting serious fast—this isn't just a flirtfest. They're playing it cool right now amid tabloid talk, but expect to see them hitting the town a bit more when things die down.

Dear Ted:
Have you written a Blind Vice about Kristen Stewart or Robert Pattinson?
—Pinky Blue

Dear Duh:
Uh, ya. K.Stew's a BV superstar, and Robby boy is gunning to be right there with her.

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