January Jones, X-Men: First Class

Murray Close/Twentieth Century Fox

Dear Ted:
With this massive hater-thon people have been having toward January Jones lately—saying that she is a diva, a be-yotch, sleeps around etc, how come there has never been any gossip about her from the Mad Men set? If she's the mean person that some people are trying to make her out to be, then surely bad word would have come from her main work place by now, wouldn't it?

Dear Mad Woman:
I'll admit: J.J. definitely has a rep in this town, but I don't hate the babe. Actually, while people will rip on her for her ‘tude or her apparent lack of acting skills, I think she's damn smart (girl knows how work her publicity, that's for sure!). And yes, there's some Vicey biz on Mad Men, but she's hardly at fault for it all. C'mon, can't everyone just give the mama-to-be a break?

Dear Ted:
I think I've got it, doll! King Schlong must be Justin Timberlake! It seems to be the perfect match! Oh, and awesome job quitting smoking!
—Hopeful Reader

RELATED: Five Nice Things to Say About January Jones—No, Really

Dear J.T. = K.S.:
Wrongo, babe. Nice try though, but the King wouldn't be caught blabbing about an ex-GF like Justin loves to do. Thanks for the kudos on ditching the cigs, babe! Still going strong, can you believe it?

Dear Ted:
Can you please give us the awful truth on Brangelina? My rescue kitty and doggie tell me they sniff some serious stank coming from those two and they are never wrong. I promise to offer my own legal services pro bono to a gay rights project immediately in return, for reals!
—your little clueless clamato from NYC

Dear Potent Punch:
What's to say that hasn't been said either in the blolumn or the Vice archives, babe? Yes the tabloid staple twosome has a stench—that's never been a secret—but they know each other's odorous ways and deal with them behind (semi) closed doors.

Dear Ted:
Reading back through the old Shafterella B.V.s, I found something a little confusing. In her very first B.V., you specifically refer to her as straight, but in her second B.V., you talk about S.S. hooking up with chicks. What's the deal—does S.S. really play for both teams? Any girls on the horizon now (if it is who we all suspect, wouldn't that be a scandal)?

Dear Getting the Shaft:
It was new info for me too, J! While Shafty prefers men—famous men mostly, of course—she's not afraid to get her lesbo on when she wants to. No par-tick chicks in S's luscious life right now, scandalous or otherwise.

Dear Ted:
What the heck has happened to your Awful Truth? Every time there is a mention of Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart it becomes all out war. You should just call your site There Will Be Blood. Some of these posters if they were actually in the same room together or knew where to find each other would, I believe, bring blood. Are you enjoying this, sitting back eating your popcorn or sucking on your hard candy to keep from smoking? Help us.

Dear Bloody Right:
The boards are your babies, that's what I've always said. As long as there's no beef that goes beyond the real of Robsten, you'll just have to keep defending the dynamic duo. Robsten 4eva, right?

Dear Ted:
You said that Judas Jack-Off preferred holding hands with his ex-BF rather than "humping horny beards." Does that mean that JJO has had a string of public girlfriends or are you just referring to his habit of disappearing for a while with willing women on the sly? Because if he follows through, they aren't really beards, are they? If he's really getting it on with them, JJO is just a slut.

Dear Jack Attack:
Jud is a bit on the promiscuous side, duh, but things are tricky with him and the ladies. See, he's done the whole beard thing and didn't mind it terribly, but sometimes he'll try to bed a chick to see if maybe this time he'll like it. Toothy like, no?

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