Sean Penn, Scarlett Johansson

L. DOBNER / Biagi / AKM

Dear Ted:
Am I alone in the conviction that ScarPenn is a match made in heaven and that these two are in it for the long haul? I'm basing my conviction on two things: I think their respective Blind Vices are a major turn on for these two (for real!). And second, they just look so damn hot together! Also it seems like Scarlett Johansson's got the bite and sass needed for an ego like Sean Penn's. Sorta like...Madonna. What do you think?

Dear Match in Hell:
I thought ScarPenn were perfect for each other! What happened?! Sorry to break it to you, darling, but looks like ScarPenn may already be finito. While the naughty duo's Blind Vices may have attracted these two to each other, it may have been Sean's wandering ways pushed them apart. Guess even ScarPenn needed a bit more stability.

Dear Ted:
I'm your biggest fan in Greece and I've converted many of my friends who now read your column every day. I'm usually really bad at guessing the stars of your Blind Vices but I think I've nailed Cookie Muncher. She has to be Elisabetta Canalis, right? I know you said Cookie is married, but I think that's just Ted speak to confuse us more. Kisses from Greece and I'm still waiting for you to come vacation in my island, Santorini. You'll have a great time, for sure!

WATCH: Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson Split

Dear Boot It:
Great guess, love, but I wasn't embellishing when I said Cookie is married—legally, she is. But just ‘cause she's got a ring on her finger doesn't mean she minds doing females—whereas George is more likely to propose to Brad Pitt than Elisabetta, at least, in the foreseeable future. Sorry, I still heart ya, and I can't wait to see Greece!

Dear Ted:
What's David Duchovny up to these days? Haven't heard any skankalicious info about him in ages. I know I can check IMDb for project deets, but Asher the rescue cat always likes your colorful comments. Can't remember—is D.D. in your B.V. hall of fame?
—Grey and Asher the cat

Dear Sex Files:
Oddly, David's not a Super Star Vicer, though he is a Blind Vice alum, count on that. Strangely enough, for a guy who's been to sex rehab, his Vice is actually pathetically lame.

Dear Ted:
What kind of game did Robert Pattinson have before Kristen Stewart? Like, was he one of those cute kinds of flirts who are sweet, or the vulgar obnoxious ones? Ever hear any stories about him being disrespectful or rude toward women?

Dear Daring:
Never. Though amazingly shy.

Dear Ted:
I have been an avid reader of yours for a couple of years now and generally love your perspective. I have never been a fan of LeAnn Rimes and had no idea who either Brandi Glanville or Eddie Cibrian were until the affair story broke. That said, do you think it is possible they are all in this together? Some of this seems too insane to not be manufactured and they are all getting publicity. Brandi may get a gig on Real Housewives, and here I am talking about them. Could that be the point? It would still be pathetic, but a little less so than if the SWF theory were 100 percent true without anything behind the scenes. Interested to hear your thoughts.

Dear Good Instincts:
Great questions—on paper.  You would think some of this crap is manufactured by the three of them; it's all such a pathetically bad soap opera. But trust, the only one sitting in the director's chair is LeAnn. Eddie's just her assistant.

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