Dear Ted:
I know this is a weird guess, but just thought I'd throw it out there just because... Is Morgan Mayhem Whitney Houston? She checked back into rehab again and the last post on M.M. was that she was really still dealing with alcohol and drug issues and wasn't really serious yet to stay clean. Am I close or way off?
—WM
Dear Crack Is Whack:
Très interesting guess, sweetie, but Whitney is not our nasty, little Morgs. While the two struggle with the same sticky sitches when it comes to their sobriety, the fact that Whitney is even willing to rehab again is something Morgan would never do. She thinks she's perfectly fine. Ha!
Dear Ted:
Is Shellack Attack known for her nails? If so, is it Katy Perry? Russell Brand would be pissed to find out she's not faithful!
—Hannah
Dear Claws Are Out:
Nope! Clever thinking, but her nails are not Shelly's finest asset. Keep digging if you want to find Katy and Russell's Vices. They shouldn't be too hard to figure out, right?
Dear Ted:
Would you say King Schlong is at the peak of his hotness? And his career?
—Emily
Dear King Pin:
No and no. More like was and was.
Dear Ted:
What's Jackie Bouffant up to these days, and is he still into both genders?
—Inquiring Mind
Dear Batting for Both:
Jackie's kept himself pretty off the radar lately—guess he got spooked when that lady of his started to make waves for herself. She's the one making more headlines these days, though. Shame too, Jackie was always more interesting.
Dear Ted:
You have to give me some dirt on Reese Witherspoon. That girl has got to be a B.V. It's impossible for someone to be that nice! I don't buy it. She's so sickly sweet it makes me want to punch her in the face!
—Ailish
Dear Spoon Fed:
Doll, if you don't know that Reesey-poo has a Vice yet, then you must be new to A.T. territory. She's in the friggin' Blind Vice Superstars gallery for goss's sake! And let me just tell you, if sweetness is her biggest flaw, then, you probably won't want to punch her after knowing her dirty little secrets. Perish the thought!
Dear Ted:
Loved the Blind Vice you posted about Sovereign Stein-Moongles and his partner. If this couple is who I suspect it is, aren't they known for bragging about their sexual exploits. Given that fact, do we dare hope this Vice won't be blind for very long? I mean, I halfway expect them to hit the talk-show circuit to announce details to the world; they seem so proud of their bedroom prowess. What do you think?
—JR
Dear Blabber Mouths:
Seems you've got the wrong couple then. Sov isn't exactly discreet, but he's kept it a secret this long, hasn't he? You've got to give him credit for that!
Dear Ted:
Me and my three adorable pups so love your column! Anyway, I think I figured some Vices out: Heather Morris is Lorin Sniffle-Puss and Nelly Fang is Ian Somerhalder? Am I right?
—Maia
Dear Guesses Galore:
Sorry, M, but you're wrong on both accounts. Closer on one than the other though...much closer, actually. It's like you've almost sunk your teeth into it.
Dear Ted:
Assuming I have correctly guessed the identity of Toothy Tile's better half, Mr. Grey Goose, would it be safe to state at this point that Grey had moved on to safer waters and a shyer new man? Still miss though the days of ol' Toothy getting spotted hanging with Grey Goose. They were so cute together! Romantics at heart want to know your spin on this one.
—Rita
Dear Goose-B-Gone:
Hardly. Goose may be playing the beard game—and pretty well, too!—but don't be fooled. This loopy love story is far from over. And I wouldn't have it any other way—these two are my faves!