Afternoon Bitch-Back! How Vicey Did The Governator Get?

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a love child, but does he have a B.V., too?

By Ted Casablanca May 17, 2011 8:50 PMTags
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Dear Ted:
The news that Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a staff member who worked in his home was a tiny bit less shocking because I'd read your recent post claiming that details would soon be coming out about why he and Maria Shriver split. How do you know all this stuff?! What I'm now wondering is whether or not the Governator has ever been the subject of a Blind Vice, and if so, is there any chance of your revealing which one? Thanks, and much love!
—Em

Dear I'll Be Blind:
Yes, but, actually not one about his womanizing, surprisingly enough. Something back from his pre-Maria days, when he was coming up in the biz and he was willing to do anything to get more famous. The cheating stuff has been around for many years, and the only question I ever really had about it was not so much why California voters agreed to be so blind about it, but, why did Maria ever get into bed with such a notorious philanderer in the first place?

Dear Ted:
Is it just me or is it a little suspect that Maria Shriver wasn't aware of Arnold's affair(s) and/or love child? Is it possible she did know about it but just kept quiet because of Arnold's political career and now doesn't want any backlash from the public about putting up with his philandering ways for so many years? I mean did this honestly come as a shock to her?
—DK

Dear Politically Erect:
No. She knew from the beginning what she was marrying. I think, however, she underestimated the emotional toll it would take—all you have to do is watch her face and body disappear more and more over the years to figure that one out.

Dear Ted:
Does Rob Pattinson play the fame game? Like, does he carefully plan answers to questions that will make him look good, or is he candid and honest?
—JK

Dear Carefully Considered:
All celebs play the fame game. It is Hollywood, after all—a town run on smoke and mirrors. But Rob more honest than most of his peers. Well, when it comes to some things, that is.

Dear Ted:
Have you heard anything lately about Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon? Also, where is Henrietta Hardball? Thanks for your column!
—CapGoat

Dear Six Degrees:
No dirt on Kyra and Kev lately—why, is something naughty brewing? As for H'ball, she's been up to nothing particularly exciting lately—Vice-wise and just in general—and I'm sure you're just as pleased to hear that as I am to say it.

Dear Ted:
Who would you do, ditch or marry out of Dashed Dingle-Dream, Teddy Big-Treat and Barrington Bang-Me? What or (who) is DDD doing these days?
—Nosykitty

Dear Game On:
Ditch Dashed, do Barrington and marry Ted. Was this what you expected? As for D3, it's been more off than on with JJO as of late—but isn't that always the case. These two are becoming such a bore!

Dear Ted:
OMG, I am not a Twi-hard but not a Nonsten either, just an average, regular person who takes movies for what they are and although I totally get the idea of Kristen Stewart as Snow White, my jaw dropped (and not in a good way) at the press release for SW & The Huntsmen. Imagine movie theater VoiceOver guy intones: "But the one thing the wicked queen never expected was Snow White being trained in the art of war by the huntsmen sent to kill her!" Now cut to scenes of SW doing Rocky style training and approaching the castle saying "Queenie, I'm back" or some Schwartzeneggeresque saying. I have to say this gave me a good chuckle over my morning java. Come on Team Awful, tell the truth what's your take?
—Valerie S

Dear Snow Fright:
You have quite the morning imagination, Val! But c'mon, don't you think it's going to be totally amazing watching K.Stew dish out some ass whoopings for once instead of watching from the sidelines? 'Tho, now that you bring it up I would like to hear her do a Governator impression.

Dear Ted:
I am stuck here in Canada evacuated from my town due to massive flooding and the stress is driving me crazy. I want to take my mind off my house and when I can go back and ask about Cass Stimulatia; is she most known for work on the small screen big screen or music? Also how is Fake a la lately? Still using or has her man laid down the law? Love from a canoe in Canada!
—B

Dear Bad Girls Club:
Small, well, yes, no. Love from Hollywood!